The Longest Week

This week has seemed like five.

It all began with last Saturday/Sunday when I attended the BMW Championship (PGA event) at Bellerive CC here in St Louis. To be perfectly honest I was dreading it a bit. I enjoy golf, but I didn't think I was a big enough fan to enjoy actually attending an event. But it turns out it is really cool.

It seems so informal compared to most sporting events, where you are stuck in assigned seats, far from the action. Watching pro-golf is just like taking a walk around a beautiful park, oh! and look, some golfers. Most people either follow a particular group on their round or park at a specific hole and watch all the groups pass through.

On Saturday we mostly wandered the course. We saw several groups play, but I was particularly excited to see one of my favorite golfers. We followed his group for several holes, during which time I failed to learn anything about golf because I was too busy staring at the hotness of Australian Geoff Ogilvy.

Exhibit A:


Sunday, after walking the front 9 for a bit*, we decided to take up a position in the grandstand on the 9th green. We were just in time to watch the top 12-14 groups pass through. I thought about wandering the back nine after the leaders came through 9, but the crowds were just insane by that point. I decided there was no way I cared that much about standing 25 deep to watch (try to watch) the winners.

*Best moment (aside from a little eye contact action with Geoff while he was scanning the crowd at the 17th tee): After watching Ogilvy's group putt we walked up the path around the corner to get to the next tee. As we rounded the top of the hill, Geoff appeared out of the woods to our right and popped into the port-a-potty next to us. It was a little like... "how does that happen?!" LOL. Up close and personal.

Monday morning I had to report for my first ever jury summons. Which of course led to my first selection to a jury panel and first jury (Juror #3!). I admit that I wasn't entirely dreading the prospect of a trial. I thought it would be an interesting experience, having never even been in a courtroom before. Not to mention that it would get me out of work for a few days (and I just need a break from that place, I can't even get into it).

Of course! My trial had to be the sexual assault case: 3rd degree domestic assault and forcible sodomy. Yikes. After the presentation of the oh-so-enjoyable-evidence, we had to deliberate. I was one of the last to admit a guilty verdict, not because I had a lot of doubt, just because I had any doubt at all. It was very difficult to realize that I had to make a decision that was going to profoundly affect another person's life. And that I had to do it without 100% certainty (due to the lack of physical evidence).

Then Thursday (short trial, luckily) I was back at work for an incredibly shortened week. Which, thank God, because my stress and frustration with my job/coworkers had not been lessened by the jury duty break. *sigh* The best moment was my last experience just before leaving this afternoon: Overhearing my coworker bitching about me to my boss. Happy Friday. Monday should be fun.

What Obama Has Taught Me About Changes in My Own Life

Lately, I have been struggling in my personal life to affect change in my life. To banish the inner voices that tell me “I can’t do this” before I have even tried. Those that doubt if I am strong enough to face my fears, and take risks to achieve my ultimate goals.

People who are successful in life (however they measure that success) don’t let “can’t” slow them down. They push past their fears and doubts, and they don’t let others define their capabilities or limits. They may even reach for goals that are considered unrealistic and unattainable.

The more I listen to Barack Obama, the more I realize his goal is the same one I am presently personally struggling with. To fundamentally change this country and our government, we will have to take risks; we will have to realize the idea that America CAN be a better, more equal, more prosperous society. We will have to push past the inertia of the existing power structure and we will have to convince those who say we “can’t” make this kind of change.

It is a tall order, to be sure. But does that mean it’s an impossibility? Should we give up before we even try? Should we accept the status quo because it’s easier to complain about what is than to work toward what could be?

I have been interested in politics my entire life. But I honestly never thought I would find a candidate who so closely shares my views. I thought I was in the minority for believing in the possibility of a government that truly worked for the good of the people; of a society that cared about the prosperity and security of all instead of climbing over your neighbor to reach the top.

Raised by a Republican father and grandmother I have been told I am naïve. I’ve been called all the bad names: “Democrat”, “progressive”, “socialist”; by those who don’t really listen to what I believe, or understand what those words mean. As though the ideas of equality and progress are akin to repression and collective poverty.

However you label it, this is what I believe:

I believe education is the fundamental building block of success, and that in order to make this country the strongest it can be we must give every child an equal opportunity for an education that will make them competitive in this interdependent global economy.

I believe the government should protect the “little guy”, the average American, rather than treating corporations as first class citizens who deserve all the breaks.

I believe the only way to keep America safe in the 21st century is to cultivate alliances (with full understanding that not everyone shares our world view, yet that doesn’t mean they are wrong or evil) and be willing to use diplomacy as a first step, and war only as the last possibility.

The world is not, nor has it ever been, clearly divided into two camps. We cannot afford to alienate potential allies because they don’t fit a narrow definition or they fail to blindly support our policies. Isolationism and the attitude that “you are either with us or against us” will only exacerbate anti-American sentiment and further threaten our security.

We cannot ignore that we have created some of our own problems based on the way we have acted in the past on the international stage, and we can only be an example to the rest of the world if we can take care of our own.

After watching Barack Obama’s convention speech, and listening to his ideas throughout this campaign, I am confident he understands what needs to be done to lead this country into the future. And he will not let the cynical attacks of his critics limit his goals. If we are strong enough to join him, there’s no telling what we CAN accomplish.

One in 35,000

I was there!!! (Seriously, when CNN pans the crowd, I'm in there! Can't you see me??)



A few friends (35,000 according to estimates) and I braved a Midwestern August afternoon to listen to the next president and vice president of the United States speak in Springfield, IL. I'm sunburned but inspired. It was a great day!!

**Full Post with Personal Photos to Follow in the AM**

It's not a tumor

I have been reduced to wearing glasses again, the first time I have worn them on a regular basis since I got contact lenses 15 years ago. It's rough, because I hate the way I look in glasses. I don't see as well, and I have these giant things on my face. Of course, I picked these frames because they were cheap and I knew I'd never be seen in public with them on, but when I went to price new glasses the ones I liked were about $400. Yikes.

The glasses saga isn't for the reason I hoped it might be: I went a couple weeks ago to get a Lasik consult (if I were to do the surgery I would have to forgo lenses for two weeks prior because they can't get a good read on the shape of your eye with the way contacts alter it), and as much as the whole "cut a flap in your cornea and burn away some of it" grosses me the hell out I really want to have the surgery.

Imagine being able to see more than vague, fuzzy outlines without corrective wear! Imagine being able to see my bedside clock (the one with the 2" high numbers) in the middle of the night without flailing around looking for my glasses. Imagine not having to buy endless bottles of saline and disposable contacts. It's easy if you try.

But my current situation is due to a less pleasant situation. Apparently I have a blister on my eye. That diagnosis was "eew" worthy enough, then my doctor popped it and I thought I would vomit. But it has continued to hang around, preventing my wearing lenses, so I went to a real eye doctor this week and he put me on steroids (uhh, anti-inflammatories) to help the "swelling" go down (oh, and apparently I have more than one in the same eye). If that doesn't work he'll have to cut me again. Oye.

I had never even heard of such a thing: eye blisters. "Cysts". It's not serious and can occur for a myriad reasons (the doctor suggested allergies- an allergic reaction/irritant in the eye as the likely possibility), so I should quit my bitching. It's just gross, and disconcerting, to have problems with your eyes. They're the only pair I've got!!!

All Star Game 2008

WHY the hell did I stay up and watch all 15 innings of that game?!? It was just like the night before, when I said I wasn't going to watch the HR Derby, because homeruns are boring and Fox drives me crazy with their ASG Pimpin'. Then Josh Hamilton electrified the night. I mean, that was sick!

So anyway, I wasn't going to watch the All Star Game either. Because the starting lineups made it more of a Cubs v. Sawx/Yanks game. And well, eww. But despite Fox's circle jerk, I tuned in to see the living Hall of Famers (which was awesome, but uhh... I wasn't sure the ceremony would be over before the '09 game in The Lou). And I stayed to see a pretty amazing game. I thought the NL was going to pull it out a couple times, but damn that AL (and damn Dan Uggla while I am at it. What an embarrassingly horrible performance)!!

News and Notes:

* Stay classy New York! It takes a lot for me to feel sympathy for the Sawx, but that was some ridiculousness last night. Oh there's a BOS/NY rivalry? Really? I GET IT! We ALL GET IT! But for real, it's the All Star Game. All Stars from 28 other teams, in fact, so show a little integrity and stop acting like a bunch of rabid... football fans.

* Related to above: Note to St Louis fans. I expect a lot better from y'all next year. If there is constant heckling of the Cub All Stars I will be very disappointed in every single one of you. I think we all know who the best fans in baseball are (despite what Jeter thinks), and we need to prove that next year by respecting the game and its players (even those in Cubs blue), if just for one night.

* I never knew every single All Star had a "heartwarming story", so I really want to thank Joe Buck for pointing them all out to me. My heart was suitably warmed.

* What the hell did Josh Groban do to God Bless America? And I don't even like that we still sing that song at the stretch.

* Sportscenter, in their search for meaning, put up a lot of facts about the All Star game and its impact on the playoff race. My favorite?

"The team with home field advantage has won the previous 5 World Series Titles"

Wow! I guess 2006 was just a mirage then?

Wise Words

"...I climb the walls
I can see the edge, but I can't take the fall
I've memorized the number so why can't I make the call?
Maybe 'cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility..."

This makes so much sense to me. Who knew the Backstreet Boys were so wise...

Disclaimer: Mostly Not My Photos

The big story around here is, obviously, the flooding. It is actually much worse north of here, and St Louis will be spared the river height they originally predicated because of broken levees further upriver.

For contrast, a pic I took of the Eads Bridge at the beginning of March, water levels normal:

The flags mark the edge of what is normally a lookout in front of the Arch (the steps in front of the Arch usually continue down to that point and then the riverfront slope is in front of the lookout):

the intersection of Washington Ave and Leonor K Sullivan Blvd (that runs along riverfront):

The entrance to the President Casino, now temporarily closed:

Riverfront, looking toward Eads Bridge:

View of Eads Bridge from flood wall along Arch grounds (note the difference in where the water level hits the bridge from my first shot):

She Works Hard for the Money

The one thing I really dislike about a salaried job is that there is no
way to make extra money. If you are hourly, and your employer is
willing, you can increase your hours in order to make more cash. That was
the best part about waitressing. My earnings were entirely dependent on
how much I wanted to work. If I wanted more free time, I cut back, if I
needed more money, I worked 60-80 hours a week. There were always
shifts to pick up.

I need more money. I have been foolishly hoping that my financial
problems will correct themselves, or that if I simply ignore the fact that I
am spending more than I am earning, my bank account will mysteriously
replenish itself.

I am certainly able to survive on the salary I am currently making. If
I can live on a strict budget, with little to no frills. And if I
don’t expect to be saving a lot for the future. My problem is, and always
has been, that I want a lot more things than I can realistically afford
and I don’t know how to choose between them. Do I need a
personal trainer? No. Do I need to go to New York City to see Dan on
Broadway? No. Do I need a new car or new computer? No (at least
not yet, but eventually…).

But I want them. They are important to me. And if I really want them, I
guess I need to be willing to make sacrifices in order to get them.
The problem is that I have never really had to work for anything. I am
incredibly spoiled. And I certainly appreciate and am grateful for all
the help I’ve been given in my life, but it’s tough too because I
never learned to fend for myself. I never learned the necessity of
sacrifice. I never learned you can’t always get what you want.

So I wonder what the appropriate response to this situation is? Do I
learn to say, “No. There are more important things to spend my money
on, I can’t have this.”? Or, do I make the sacrifice necessary to get
the things that I want?

What's in the Cards for this Season? (cheesy pun: check)

We are barely over a week into the 2008 Baseball Season, and my Cardinals have already exceeded my expectations for the year. They are 7-2, having won the first three series played (v. Colorado, Washington and Houston), and they are on pace to win 126 games this season!

Of course, that isn't going to happen. No team can keep up a pace based on only nine games. But it is encouraging. And I will certainly take our start over, say, Detroit's. The World Series favorites (based on pre-season predictions, which further confirm my belief that sports analysts know nothing) started 0-7 before finally winning their first game last night against the BoSox.

As I mentioned, I was dreading this season a bit, after the emotionally draining 2007 season, but now watching this team play has given me a bit more encouragement.

Sources of optimism:
Pitching: For the first week of the season, the Cardinals had the best pitching staff in MLB. And this is without the majority of our stars. Carp, Mulder, Piniero, etc. are all still recovering from injuries. Since this was considered our biggest weak spot, it is at least encouraging that the pitching staff didn't fall apart from game one.
Offense: Albert finally hit his first (and second) home runs last night, but the offense has not been lacking even though he started his season a little slow offensively. It is very encouraging to see good hitting and RBI's coming from all over the lineup, and especially from the younger guys like Ankiel and Schumaker(who are now going to be the basis for the team's success).
Chemistry: The vibe last year, corraborated by news stories about a division in the locker room and individual players conflicts with LaRussa, appears to have been fixed. Though the season is young, these players look and act like a team. Camaraderie is an often overlooked part of success (why don't the Yankees win every year even with the highest level of talent? Because they don't always play together as well as other teams). I hope this new team feel in St Louis lasts for the next six months!

takin' what their givin', 'cause I'm workin' for a livin'

Work has been super hectic lately.

In some ways that is a positive development: I am finally feeling the challenges of my job (and the fact that I have a lot to learn- which is something I know I said I wanted out of my career: growth possibilities), and the days go by a lot faster when you feel like there is a purpose to what you are doing.

I have to balance that with an increased stress level, which is something I really didn't want: to become so invested in this place. But in reality it is a Catch-22. How can you really feel fulfilled and challenged if there is absolutely no stress to your job?

I guess what I really mean about not wanting to become invested is that I never wanted a career that became my whole life. I want to be able to balance hobbies and personal time with a fulfilling job. But lately I feel a bit as though I don't have much down time. I work, think about work, take care of the necessities like errands and cleaning my apartment, and go to the gym.

Part of that has to do with leftover exhaustion from so much recent traveling. Weekends aren't very relaxing when you spend them in the airport. But I do have a lot on my plate lately, and surprisingly the majority are related to my job.

We are gearing up to implement a major new project: an electronic records management system that, once operational, will greatly enhance the intellectual and physical control of our collection (something we are incredibly far behind in). I am also part of a study group preparing for the Archival Certification Exam this August (though it is looking more and more likely that I won't be taking the test this year), and I am a volunteer on the Special Events committee for the 2009 MAC meeting here in St. Louis (and the chair of said committee just informed me she is moving out of state, which has me terrified that I will be expected to step up my involvement there).

The only thing I am really doing solely for myself is my "lifestyle transformation project" (eating right and exercising), which I would be much happier just procrastinating or ignoring, even though I know how important it is to really change my attitude about getting healthy.

Basically my point is I am feeling overwhelmed (did it really take this long rant to reach that conclusion?) with everything going on in my life lately. I need to figure out how you balance personal and professional time, because apparently I am not very good at it. And the last thing I want in life is to become a workaholic... or a total slacker.

Lord, I was Born a Ramblin' Blogger

And.... TAKE TWO!

Okay, so Opening Day was postponed due to a wicked thunderstorm system that rained on our parade yesterday. It's too bad that the five runs the Birds scored in the first couple of innings (including a homerun by El Hombre) are wasted, but today! We'll get them Rockies!! :)

I uploaded my photographs from my birthday weekend, but I am too lazy to create an illustrated blog about my trip to KC. It was fun, I took pictures, the end.

SO! I am extremely proud of my niece, who has now heard from all the colleges to which she applied (let's not get into how old it makes me feel to have a niece going off to college in the fall). She got into 5 out 6 places she applied (at the 6th she was waitlisted)!! It's amazing, and with choices that include Middlebury College, Creighton, and Dartmouth, she has a tough choice to make. Any way it turns out, it is a tremendous accomplishment. Yay, Mali!! :)

I have a P/T appointment tonight, which I am equal parts psyched about (finally have some energy back) and dreading (last week I could barely walk afterwards- my own fault for asking Josh to "kick my ass like the other trainers do to their clients"). If I can get my eating habits back on track it should all be worth it in the end. I get easily frustrated with my slowwwwwwwwwww progress sometimes, but I need to avoid discouragement. I guess I never realized how much of a commitment, a long-term commitment, this whole "get healthy and lose weight" thing was. I need to find something to regenerate my enthusiasm- it's been a while since I felt totally pumped to do this.

And.... SCENE!!

OPENING DAY!!!!!!!!

Welcome to another glorious Spring, baseball fans. Today is the day: Opening Day for the 2008 season! What will this year bring? Who will emerge victorius come fall? It is impossible to predict, so just sit back and relax: enjoy the coming warm spring days, the heat of summer, the cool fall nights. Taste the cold beer, hot dogs and salty peanuts and listen to the crack of the bat, the slap of the leather and the roar of the crowd.

It's the best time of the year!

I will be honest: I did not anticipate the start of this year's season with much hope. The Cardinals are in a transition phase, with an untested roster and a host of injured stars. They are coming off a season that didn't just disappoint in terms of overall performance, but was an emotional rollercoaster of tragedy and scandal along with the ups and downs in the standings.

But now that the day is here, Opening Day, I can't help but feel the excitement for the next 162 games. It's a fresh start, a new season. All bets are off and in baseball fans get to have a short memory following a disappointing season. Day One for us all, once again.

GO CARDS! I Live For This!!

And Now for Two Completely Unrelated Things:

Traveling
I am hitting the road again this weekend. Or should I say skies. Yes, I am actually FLYING to Kansas City this weekend, because my Dad talked me into it- the convenience factor outweighing the economic factor. This will make the second consecutive weekend I will be in a plane, and after next week's business trip to Chicago it will be three weeks in a row. Who knew I was such a jetsetter??!

I was feeling poorly at the beginning of this week, so all the events I had planned for KC were looking more like exhaustion than fun, but now that I am feeling better I am starting to get excited about everything. My original plan included two museums (the Arabia Steamboat Museum and the Truman Presidential Library and Museum), a concert (Matt Pond PA) and a fancy birthday dinner (at The Capital Grille). I might not get to all of them, but I am going to try and do this birthday thing right this year!

Friendship
Why is it so difficult to make friends? Seeing my oldest and dearest friends this past weekend made me think about the difference between being with people who know you, and whom you know without really having to try, and those you are still having to learn about. Sometimes making new friends is exhausting because it's so much effort. It is certainly always a little scary (ie- the feeling of what if I let them in and then they end up not liking me). But it can be so worth it (exhibit A: the friends I have had for over a decade, who I can go years without seeing, but when we are together it is like no time has passed at all!).

Since I have moved to St. Louis I have not made very many new friends. Part of that is because I am shy in new situations, and I don't really like being the person to make the first move. Part of it is the effort involved, and the fear of someone not wanting to be my friend if they really get to know me. Part of it is because the other party apparently has that same fear and I can't get them to open up AT ALL. It is rather frustrating when I can talk/hang out with a person for months and then realize I know absolutely nothing about that person.

Out of all of the people I have met in the last couple of years, the person I know the most about is actually Josh, my trainer. It makes sense because I see him regularly, and how far can small talk really take you after 6 or 7 months? In a way, that is nice. I mean, he is a super cool person and someone I would totally hang with in normal circumstances. What makes it weird is that I pay him to spend time with me. It makes me feel just a little pathetic to say that my closest new "friend" is my personal trainer.

Presenting: What I Did on My Easter Vacation

So, going back to New Hampshire wasn't quite what I expected it to be. In fact, I felt as though I had just left. Everything was still comfortably familiar- and in that way, the visit was anticlimactic. And I didn't need to cram in a whole lot of sightseeing because all the sights are still imprinted on my memory.

Really, the most important thing was the people I got to see:

Melissa and her daughter, Olivia

My baby nephew (on the verge of a tantrum), Satchel

The surprisingly camera-shy Rosa (my niece)

and! my BFF Carrie :-)


It was also a nostalgia tour in many ways. The first full day I was there, Melissa, Olivia and I drove through our college town, Durham:

Aside from the library, my time at UNH (at least the first time) was spent mostly in my dorm-

or at the hockey arena-


After college revisited, I headed up the highway where I got a crash course in winter driving as the mountains of Vermont dumped a little squall on me:




Then it was a trip down memory lane in my hometown.

A visit to the cemetery found my grandmother's grave almost completely buried:

Hanover looked almost exactly the same:

As did the Dartmouth campus:


My final stop, and the only "touristy" thing I really did over the long weekend, was a trip back to Boston to hit the Aquarium with Carrie.

They had some pretty cool things there, including an exhibit about jellyfish (an animal I find fascinating, but am also terrified of running across in the wild- hence my dislike of oceans):


Starfish!


A typical reaction from Carrie and I as we wandered past different exhibits was "OMG GROSS! That is so nasty.... give me the camera, I gotta get a picture of that..."
... Cuttlefish eating a shrimp...

... or that creepy looking Octopus...


One of the nastiest things was a display that had this mutant lobster and snow crab. They had to have been as big as a medium sized dog, or a small child. It was so disgusting!! Unfortunately, they were hanging out in the dark recesses of this one tank so the photos of them didn't come out so great:


Anyway, that was basically my trip! Who's next for "show and tell?"

I'm Tired of Subtlety

Ok, for real: PEOPLE NEED TO COME VISIT ME!!

There, I said it.

I know I complain about St Louis a lot, but it is only in terms of the realities of living here. It is a fantastic tourist destination because there are lots of things to see. Plus, it's cheap.

We've got museums and outdoor attractions! We've got great sports arenas and casinos! We've got it all!!! (shouldn't I work for the tourism bureau, lol?)

And I would be a great hostess, even if I don't at the moment have anywhere in my apartment to put up guests. I can figure it out.

So, yeah, take note (you know who you are). I want visitors!! :-)


*update on my own recent travels to come shortly, with illustrations*

On the Road Again

Last night I had a dream that I tried to sneak into work and use the fax machine to fax job application information out but people kept showing up: a crowd for a meeting, my boss, and a tour group of school kids.

...Apparently my subconscious was feeling a bit guilty about job searching at my current job...

Related or unrelated to that- I was half asleep listening to my alarm go off this morning and they are giving the traffic report and I was like, "Why are they doing traffic on a weekend?" Imagine my shock and dismay when I was finally conscious enough to realize it is TUESDAY! Ugh. Perhaps my dream counted for a whole week of work. Or else I was just really tired.

Exhaustion is a good possibilty given that I am in last minute preparation mode for my trip to New Hampshire. I leave tomorrow!! I am maximizing my long weekend by hitting three states, and as many friends and family members as I can squeeze in. I should be worn out, but happy, upon my return. There's never enough time, though, when your friends are as cool as mine :-)

I haven't been "home" to NH since I moved to St Louis (well, technically, since I spent a week there prepping for my Master's Exams October 2006), and as much as I never want to live there again I have so many memories and connection to that place: my childhood home!

Cougars

Why is it that only middle age or older women think that I am pretty? Maybe if I was a lesbian interested in older women my life would be a lot easier...

The very definition of "overshare":

My niece is dealing with some ex-boyfriend drama that is literally some of the craziest shit I have heard outside of the Maury Povich show. I feel so horrible that her first relationship is ending this way and the thought that this brand of crazy must have been lurking under the surface the entire time they were together (though hopefully didn't show itself before this) makes me sick. The last thing she needs is this one freaking asshole to affect the way she deals with men and relationships in the future.

It also makes me think a bit about myself (which, hey, much does- and since this is my blog I can feel free to talk endlessly about myself, right?) and my own relationship mishaps.

When people ask me about my ex-boyfriends, I tend to play them off with sarcasm: labeling them as huge mistakes and giving reasons like "he showed my engagement ring to all my friends before giving it to me" as the impetus for breaking up with my almost-fiance John.

The truth is that I pick the wrong guys on purpose, because I was/am afraid to really find "love" (whatever that means), and to avoid getting hurt, but I always end up hurt anyway... thus further eroding my ability to trust or be open in relationships.

I know, right: WAAH, WAAH, everyone has trust and commitment issues and everyone has been hurt in past relationships. Whatever, that doesn't make my struggle any less of a struggle for myself.

I have had four significant relationships in my life. The first cheated on me.. probably more often than I know about even today. I try not to regret him because of the significant things we shared together. And most of the time it is rather easy. It was a long time ago.

The second was a mutually destructive relationship with a person I should have most likely just stayed friends with. With #2 I came the closest I ever have to cheating (with relationship #3) even after I promised myself having been the victim of a cheater I never would do something like that. We were just so mean to each other, all the time. And it is ironic because #2 is probably the closest I came to really falling in love.

#3 was basically a fling. In many ways it was liberating because I basically got to be this whole other person, more adventurous and sponteanous than I ever had been. But there was no real emotional attachment there (I had that with his brother, which brought a whole other level to my confusion) and I can't really look back and blame him when I know we were just using each other.

#4 was John, my almost-fiance and almost-biggest mistake of my life. I think he fucked me up more than any other boyfriend I had and I still struggle with the "why". I never was in love with him. I was in love with the idea of getting married, sure, but I always (at some level) knew that he was wrong for me and that he was (not meaning to sound egotistical) not good enough for me. But I still dated him, against my first impressions, and I still let him mess with my self confidence.

He has this way (and I really don't think he knows this about himself) of putting other people down. Probably because he is himself insecure and it makes him feel better to always have the worse story or the better experience. His favorite phrase was "You don't even know..." It drove me nuts, and I never even realized at the time that his little comments actually affected me. Made me feel worse about myself.

And I have the lovely memory of the embarrassing way I behaved when he broke up with me (though I tend to stop the story in its re-telling at the point I broke up with him in KC, the truth is I moved back to NH and tried to rekindle that mistake). Even though I should have been relieved that I was finally free of someone who affected me far too much for the actual feelings I had for him.

It took me a long time after we broke up to even think about wanting another boyfriend. Not because I was devastated at the loss but because I had completely lost myself to the wrong person. Why would I risk making another monumental mistake like that?

But of course deep down I want to find love. Because if I am honest with myself I would admit I am actually a romantic. I just need to work on getting out of my own way. Someday it will happen. Yeah... I'm pretty sure.

What the Heck is Going on Around Here??

Spring was in the air in St Louis this weekend. With Saturday temps in the 60s and Sunday topping 75* the entire city was out to enjoy the sunshine. I took advantage on Saturday by heading first to the Botanical Garden accross the street (where they had an exhibit of my favorite flowers, orchids):


Then I popped down to the Riverfront, just because it's there basically:


Today I woke up to 39* temperature and a forecast of rain turning to sleet and freezing rain turning to snow. A Winter Storm Warning is in effect for a storm that could dump anywhere between 3 and 10 inches of snow on us by tomorrow afternoon.

I really am torn between which is worse: the grueling marathon of winter in New England (where this year they are approaching record snowfall amounts), or the emotional rollercoaster of a midwest winter: it's warm and sunny, it's an ice storm, it's spring!, woops another blizzard!

I want off this crazy ride!!!

I Yem what I Yem

I often wish my blogging style was of the quippy, anectodal variety, like so many of the blogs I myself enjoy reading. But I've never been very good at "funny", especially in my writing (is it no wonder my lifelong-project-likely-never-to-be-finished novel has lots of death and philosophy and angst?). I also wonder if I should confine my blogging to specific themes or topics- like, "this is a history blog, or a pop culture blog" or something.

Oh well. Get over it. My blog is what it is, just like I am what I am.

I would drive 800 miles...

Josh tried to run me over as I walked through the parking lot of the gym yesterday. He literally swerved right at me, laying on his horn. Ass.

I told him, “One accident a week is more than plenty, thanks!”

Without admitting responsibility (the first step after an accident, according to my insurance card), the basic story is this… I rear-ended a guy on Monday.

I was driving through IL on my way to visit Amy (and the new baby), and I decided to speed off the moment the light turned green, completely ignoring the line of cars that stood between me and that intersection. It was totally one of those stupid things that you could laugh about later if it wasn’t costing you a bunch of money to fix the other person’s car even though you were only going five miles an hour.

It was so embarrassing. And I’ve been stressed for two days wondering if I would have to call my insurance company (and therefore screw my premiums) or pay out of pocket (and sink my budget). But I’ve got the gecko on it now, and I am feeling immeasurably better about the whole thing (no personal property damage deductible!!)

Monday’s incident was the ending to a holiday weekend that started with a spur of the moment jaunt to Kansas City to help my Dad look at potential townhome purchases*, during which we almost got snowed in because of a freak blizzard that hit the area Sunday morning.

(*Yes, my Dad is looking to move again. Apparently he hates Jeff City, which really who can blame him, but he has only been in his house a year and a half and he is already looking to change!! I guess I shouldn’t act so incredulous though- how much of a chance did I give the Lou before deciding I was ready to move on to bigger and more “capitol” things?)

So today’s question is this: I drove almost eight hundred miles in three days before I decided to play bumper cars with a random Lexus in Fairview Heights… Is that “irony” or just “coincidence”? Alanis? Anyone?

"Back to Life, Back to Reality"

I made it back from DC. For a while there I doubted whether I would. I thought maybe I just wouldn't get on the plane to take me back.

I don't think I can describe what an amazing experience the last two weeks was. I want an advanced session of MAI, I want a class reunion with my fellow 103rd-ers. I want to pack up my car and move to DC tomorrow, despite having no job, money, or place to live.

Although... by last Friday I was ready for a break. I tried to cram way too much activity into my time there, and combining tourist activities with having to sit in a classroom all day and learn was extremely exhausting.

Tourist-fare: Jefferson Memorial, National Portrait Gallery, Pentagon City Mall, National Mall (monuments and memorials), Natural History Museum, Dupont Circle, Georgetown, National Cathedral, Arlington Cemetery, Wizards NBA game (v. San Antonio), Iwa Jima Memorial, International Spy Museum, much good food and too many bars.

Official Business: National Archives I and II (including Rotunda with "Documents of Freedom" and new Public Vaults exhibit), Library of Congress (including historic Jefferson Building), lots of old documents and a bit of learnin' (I think my brain might have reached capacity at about day 7/10).

I am still sorting through the nearly 300 pictures I took while in DC. Maybe someday they will be viewable. Once I have fully processed them and created a finding aid. Until then they are on restricted access.

Archives geeks might appreciate that attempt. But seriously, I could go on and on about the amazingness of the program but only people who are interested in archival studies would get it I think. It's easier to rave about DC and how much I love that city, but then people get the wrong idea about what I was out there doing.

I learned a lot, awakened a passion for this field, had fun, met some really cool people and hopefully made lasting friends. In short, it was one of the best experiences of my entire life.

Knocking on the Doors of Justice...

After a few drinks...

And they said I wasn't cultured (it's in a museum!)...