The World's Smallest Secret Agent

The Longest Week

2008-09-12T20:37:00.003-06:00

This week has seemed like five.

It all began with last Saturday/Sunday when I attended the BMW Championship (PGA event) at Bellerive CC here in St Louis. To be perfectly honest I was dreading it a bit. I enjoy golf, but I didn't think I was a big enough fan to enjoy actually attending an event. But it turns out it is really cool.

It seems so informal compared to most sporting events, where you are stuck in assigned seats, far from the action. Watching pro-golf is just like taking a walk around a beautiful park, oh! and look, some golfers. Most people either follow a particular group on their round or park at a specific hole and watch all the groups pass through.

On Saturday we mostly wandered the course. We saw several groups play, but I was particularly excited to see one of my favorite golfers. We followed his group for several holes, during which time I failed to learn anything about golf because I was too busy staring at the hotness of Australian Geoff Ogilvy.

Exhibit A:

Sunday, after walking the front 9 for a bit*, we decided to take up a position in the grandstand on the 9th green. We were just in time to watch the top 12-14 groups pass through. I thought about wandering the back nine after the leaders came through 9, but the crowds were just insane by that point. I decided there was no way I cared that much about standing 25 deep to watch (try to watch) the winners.

*Best moment (aside from a little eye contact action with Geoff while he was scanning the crowd at the 17th tee): After watching Ogilvy's group putt we walked up the path around the corner to get to the next tee. As we rounded the top of the hill, Geoff appeared out of the woods to our right and popped into the port-a-potty next to us. It was a little like... "how does that happen?!" LOL. Up close and personal.

Monday morning I had to report for my first ever jury summons. Which of course led to my first selection to a jury panel and first jury (Juror #3!). I admit that I wasn't entirely dreading the prospect of a trial. I thought it would be an interesting experience, having never even been in a courtroom before. Not to mention that it would get me out of work for a few days (and I just need a break from that place, I can't even get into it).

Of course! My trial had to be the sexual assault case: 3rd degree domestic assault and forcible sodomy. Yikes. After the presentation of the oh-so-enjoyable-evidence, we had to deliberate. I was one of the last to admit a guilty verdict, not because I had a lot of doubt, just because I had any doubt at all. It was very difficult to realize that I had to make a decision that was going to profoundly affect another person's life. And that I had to do it without 100% certainty (due to the lack of physical evidence).

Then Thursday (short trial, luckily) I was back at work for an incredibly shortened week. Which, thank God, because my stress and frustration with my job/coworkers had not been lessened by the jury duty break. *sigh* The best moment was my last experience just before leaving this afternoon: Overhearing my coworker bitching about me to my boss. Happy Friday. Monday should be fun.

What Obama Has Taught Me About Changes in My Own Life

2008-08-29T20:40:00.000-06:00

Lately, I have been struggling in my personal life to affect change in my life. To banish the inner voices that tell me “I can’t do this” before I have even tried. Those that doubt if I am strong enough to face my fears, and take risks to achieve my ultimate goals.

People who are successful in life (however they measure that success) don’t let “can’t” slow them down. They push past their fears and doubts, and they don’t let others define their capabilities or limits. They may even reach for goals that are considered unrealistic and unattainable.

The more I listen to Barack Obama, the more I realize his goal is the same one I am presently personally struggling with. To fundamentally change this country and our government, we will have to take risks; we will have to realize the idea that America CAN be a better, more equal, more prosperous society. We will have to push past the inertia of the existing power structure and we will have to convince those who say we “can’t” make this kind of change.

It is a tall order, to be sure. But does that mean it’s an impossibility? Should we give up before we even try? Should we accept the status quo because it’s easier to complain about what is than to work toward what could be?

I have been interested in politics my entire life. But I honestly never thought I would find a candidate who so closely shares my views. I thought I was in the minority for believing in the possibility of a government that truly worked for the good of the people; of a society that cared about the prosperity and security of all instead of climbing over your neighbor to reach the top.

Raised by a Republican father and grandmother I have been told I am naïve. I’ve been called all the bad names: “Democrat”, “progressive”, “socialist”; by those who don’t really listen to what I believe, or understand what those words mean. As though the ideas of equality and progress are akin to repression and collective poverty.

However you label it, this is what I believe:

I believe education is the fundamental building block of success, and that in order to make this country the strongest it can be we must give every child an equal opportunity for an education that will make them competitive in this interdependent global economy.

I believe the government should protect the “little guy”, the average American, rather than treating corporations as first class citizens who deserve all the breaks.

I believe the only way to keep America safe in the 21st century is to cultivate alliances (with full understanding that not everyone shares our world view, yet that doesn’t mean they are wrong or evil) and be willing to use diplomacy as a first step, and war only as the last possibility.

The world is not, nor has it ever been, clearly divided into two camps. We cannot afford to alienate potential allies because they don’t fit a narrow definition or they fail to blindly support our policies. Isolationism and the attitude that “you are either with us or against us” will only exacerbate anti-American sentiment and further threaten our security.

We cannot ignore that we have created some of our own problems based on the way we have acted in the past on the international stage, and we can only be an example to the rest of the world if we can take care of our own.

After watching Barack Obama’s convention speech, and listening to his ideas throughout this campaign, I am confident he understands what needs to be done to lead this country into the future. And he will not let the cynical attacks of his critics limit his goals. If we are strong enough to join him, there’s no telling what we CAN accomplish.

One in 35,000

2008-08-23T20:11:00.000-06:00

I was there!!! (Seriously, when CNN pans the crowd, I'm in there! Can't you see me??)

A few friends (35,000 according to estimates) and I braved a Midwestern August afternoon to listen to the next president and vice president of the United States speak in Springfield, IL. I'm sunburned but inspired. It was a great day!!

**Full Post with Personal Photos to Follow in the AM**

It's not a tumor

2008-08-19T19:50:00.002-06:00

I have been reduced to wearing glasses again, the first time I have worn them on a regular basis since I got contact lenses 15 years ago. It's rough, because I hate the way I look in glasses. I don't see as well, and I have these giant things on my face. Of course, I picked these frames because they were cheap and I knew I'd never be seen in public with them on, but when I went to price new glasses the ones I liked were about $400. Yikes.

The glasses saga isn't for the reason I hoped it might be: I went a couple weeks ago to get a Lasik consult (if I were to do the surgery I would have to forgo lenses for two weeks prior because they can't get a good read on the shape of your eye with the way contacts alter it), and as much as the whole "cut a flap in your cornea and burn away some of it" grosses me the hell out I really want to have the surgery.

Imagine being able to see more than vague, fuzzy outlines without corrective wear! Imagine being able to see my bedside clock (the one with the 2" high numbers) in the middle of the night without flailing around looking for my glasses. Imagine not having to buy endless bottles of saline and disposable contacts. It's easy if you try.

But my current situation is due to a less pleasant situation. Apparently I have a blister on my eye. That diagnosis was "eew" worthy enough, then my doctor popped it and I thought I would vomit. But it has continued to hang around, preventing my wearing lenses, so I went to a real eye doctor this week and he put me on steroids (uhh, anti-inflammatories) to help the "swelling" go down (oh, and apparently I have more than one in the same eye). If that doesn't work he'll have to cut me again. Oye.

I had never even heard of such a thing: eye blisters. "Cysts". It's not serious and can occur for a myriad reasons (the doctor suggested allergies- an allergic reaction/irritant in the eye as the likely possibility), so I should quit my bitching. It's just gross, and disconcerting, to have problems with your eyes. They're the only pair I've got!!!

All Star Game 2008

2008-07-16T20:02:00.002-06:00

WHY the hell did I stay up and watch all 15 innings of that game?!? It was just like the night before, when I said I wasn't going to watch the HR Derby, because homeruns are boring and Fox drives me crazy with their ASG Pimpin'. Then Josh Hamilton electrified the night. I mean, that was sick!

So anyway, I wasn't going to watch the All Star Game either. Because the starting lineups made it more of a Cubs v. Sawx/Yanks game. And well, eww. But despite Fox's circle jerk, I tuned in to see the living Hall of Famers (which was awesome, but uhh... I wasn't sure the ceremony would be over before the '09 game in The Lou). And I stayed to see a pretty amazing game. I thought the NL was going to pull it out a couple times, but damn that AL (and damn Dan Uggla while I am at it. What an embarrassingly horrible performance)!!

News and Notes:

* Stay classy New York! It takes a lot for me to feel sympathy for the Sawx, but that was some ridiculousness last night. Oh there's a BOS/NY rivalry? Really? I GET IT! We ALL GET IT! But for real, it's the All Star Game. All Stars from 28 other teams, in fact, so show a little integrity and stop acting like a bunch of rabid... football fans.

* Related to above: Note to St Louis fans. I expect a lot better from y'all next year. If there is constant heckling of the Cub All Stars I will be very disappointed in every single one of you. I think we all know who the best fans in baseball are (despite what Jeter thinks), and we need to prove that next year by respecting the game and its players (even those in Cubs blue), if just for one night.

* I never knew every single All Star had a "heartwarming story", so I really want to thank Joe Buck for pointing them all out to me. My heart was suitably warmed.

* What the hell did Josh Groban do to God Bless America? And I don't even like that we still sing that song at the stretch.

* Sportscenter, in their search for meaning, put up a lot of facts about the All Star game and its impact on the playoff race. My favorite?

"The team with home field advantage has won the previous 5 World Series Titles"

Wow! I guess 2006 was just a mirage then?

Wise Words

2008-06-23T16:16:00.003-06:00

"...I climb the walls
I can see the edge, but I can't take the fall
I've memorized the number so why can't I make the call?
Maybe 'cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility..."

This makes so much sense to me. Who knew the Backstreet Boys were so wise...

Disclaimer: Mostly Not My Photos

2008-06-20T17:15:00.005-06:00

The big story around here is, obviously, the flooding. It is actually much worse north of here, and St Louis will be spared the river height they originally predicated because of broken levees further upriver.

For contrast, a pic I took of the Eads Bridge at the beginning of March, water levels normal:

The flags mark the edge of what is normally a lookout in front of the Arch (the steps in front of the Arch usually continue down to that point and then the riverfront slope is in front of the lookout):

the intersection of Washington Ave and Leonor K Sullivan Blvd (that runs along riverfront):

The entrance to the President Casino, now temporarily closed:

Riverfront, looking toward Eads Bridge:

View of Eads Bridge from flood wall along Arch grounds (note the difference in where the water level hits the bridge from my first shot):

She Works Hard for the Money

2008-04-28T15:41:00.001-06:00

The one thing I really dislike about a salaried job is that there is no
way to make extra money. If you are hourly, and your employer is
willing, you can increase your hours in order to make more cash. That was
the best part about waitressing. My earnings were entirely dependent on
how much I wanted to work. If I wanted more free time, I cut back, if I
needed more money, I worked 60-80 hours a week. There were always
shifts to pick up.

I need more money. I have been foolishly hoping that my financial
problems will correct themselves, or that if I simply ignore the fact that I
am spending more than I am earning, my bank account will mysteriously
replenish itself.

I am certainly able to survive on the salary I am currently making. If
I can live on a strict budget, with little to no frills. And if I
don’t expect to be saving a lot for the future. My problem is, and always
has been, that I want a lot more things than I can realistically afford
and I don’t know how to choose between them. Do I need a
personal trainer? No. Do I need to go to New York City to see Dan on
Broadway? No. Do I need a new car or new computer? No (at least
not yet, but eventually…).

But I want them. They are important to me. And if I really want them, I
guess I need to be willing to make sacrifices in order to get them.
The problem is that I have never really had to work for anything. I am
incredibly spoiled. And I certainly appreciate and am grateful for all
the help I’ve been given in my life, but it’s tough too because I
never learned to fend for myself. I never learned the necessity of
sacrifice. I never learned you can’t always get what you want.

So I wonder what the appropriate response to this situation is? Do I
learn to say, “No. There are more important things to spend my money
on, I can’t have this.”? Or, do I make the sacrifice necessary to get
the things that I want?

What's in the Cards for this Season? (cheesy pun: check)

2008-04-10T09:52:00.006-06:00

We are barely over a week into the 2008 Baseball Season, and my Cardinals have already exceeded my expectations for the year. They are 7-2, having won the first three series played (v. Colorado, Washington and Houston), and they are on pace to win 126 games this season!

Of course, that isn't going to happen. No team can keep up a pace based on only nine games. But it is encouraging. And I will certainly take our start over, say, Detroit's. The World Series favorites (based on pre-season predictions, which further confirm my belief that sports analysts know nothing) started 0-7 before finally winning their first game last night against the BoSox.

As I mentioned, I was dreading this season a bit, after the emotionally draining 2007 season, but now watching this team play has given me a bit more encouragement.

Sources of optimism:
Pitching: For the first week of the season, the Cardinals had the best pitching staff in MLB. And this is without the majority of our stars. Carp, Mulder, Piniero, etc. are all still recovering from injuries. Since this was considered our biggest weak spot, it is at least encouraging that the pitching staff didn't fall apart from game one.
Offense: Albert finally hit his first (and second) home runs last night, but the offense has not been lacking even though he started his season a little slow offensively. It is very encouraging to see good hitting and RBI's coming from all over the lineup, and especially from the younger guys like Ankiel and Schumaker(who are now going to be the basis for the team's success).
Chemistry: The vibe last year, corraborated by news stories about a division in the locker room and individual players conflicts with LaRussa, appears to have been fixed. Though the season is young, these players look and act like a team. Camaraderie is an often overlooked part of success (why don't the Yankees win every year even with the highest level of talent? Because they don't always play together as well as other teams). I hope this new team feel in St Louis lasts for the next six months!

takin' what their givin', 'cause I'm workin' for a livin'

2008-04-09T08:30:00.005-06:00

Work has been super hectic lately.

In some ways that is a positive development: I am finally feeling the challenges of my job (and the fact that I have a lot to learn- which is something I know I said I wanted out of my career: growth possibilities), and the days go by a lot faster when you feel like there is a purpose to what you are doing.

I have to balance that with an increased stress level, which is something I really didn't want: to become so invested in this place. But in reality it is a Catch-22. How can you really feel fulfilled and challenged if there is absolutely no stress to your job?

I guess what I really mean about not wanting to become invested is that I never wanted a career that became my whole life. I want to be able to balance hobbies and personal time with a fulfilling job. But lately I feel a bit as though I don't have much down time. I work, think about work, take care of the necessities like errands and cleaning my apartment, and go to the gym.

Part of that has to do with leftover exhaustion from so much recent traveling. Weekends aren't very relaxing when you spend them in the airport. But I do have a lot on my plate lately, and surprisingly the majority are related to my job.

We are gearing up to implement a major new project: an electronic records management system that, once operational, will greatly enhance the intellectual and physical control of our collection (something we are incredibly far behind in). I am also part of a study group preparing for the Archival Certification Exam this August (though it is looking more and more likely that I won't be taking the test this year), and I am a volunteer on the Special Events committee for the 2009 MAC meeting here in St. Louis (and the chair of said committee just informed me she is moving out of state, which has me terrified that I will be expected to step up my involvement there).

The only thing I am really doing solely for myself is my "lifestyle transformation project" (eating right and exercising), which I would be much happier just procrastinating or ignoring, even though I know how important it is to really change my attitude about getting healthy.

Basically my point is I am feeling overwhelmed (did it really take this long rant to reach that conclusion?) with everything going on in my life lately. I need to figure out how you balance personal and professional time, because apparently I am not very good at it. And the last thing I want in life is to become a workaholic... or a total slacker.

Lord, I was Born a Ramblin' Blogger

2008-04-01T14:53:00.003-06:00

And.... TAKE TWO!

Okay, so Opening Day was postponed due to a wicked thunderstorm system that rained on our parade yesterday. It's too bad that the five runs the Birds scored in the first couple of innings (including a homerun by El Hombre) are wasted, but today! We'll get them Rockies!! :)

I uploaded my photographs from my birthday weekend, but I am too lazy to create an illustrated blog about my trip to KC. It was fun, I took pictures, the end.

SO! I am extremely proud of my niece, who has now heard from all the colleges to which she applied (let's not get into how old it makes me feel to have a niece going off to college in the fall). She got into 5 out 6 places she applied (at the 6th she was waitlisted)!! It's amazing, and with choices that include Middlebury College, Creighton, and Dartmouth, she has a tough choice to make. Any way it turns out, it is a tremendous accomplishment. Yay, Mali!! :)

I have a P/T appointment tonight, which I am equal parts psyched about (finally have some energy back) and dreading (last week I could barely walk afterwards- my own fault for asking Josh to "kick my ass like the other trainers do to their clients"). If I can get my eating habits back on track it should all be worth it in the end. I get easily frustrated with my slowwwwwwwwwww progress sometimes, but I need to avoid discouragement. I guess I never realized how much of a commitment, a long-term commitment, this whole "get healthy and lose weight" thing was. I need to find something to regenerate my enthusiasm- it's been a while since I felt totally pumped to do this.

And.... SCENE!!

OPENING DAY!!!!!!!!

2008-03-31T09:12:00.002-06:00

Welcome to another glorious Spring, baseball fans. Today is the day: Opening Day for the 2008 season! What will this year bring? Who will emerge victorius come fall? It is impossible to predict, so just sit back and relax: enjoy the coming warm spring days, the heat of summer, the cool fall nights. Taste the cold beer, hot dogs and salty peanuts and listen to the crack of the bat, the slap of the leather and the roar of the crowd.

It's the best time of the year!

I will be honest: I did not anticipate the start of this year's season with much hope. The Cardinals are in a transition phase, with an untested roster and a host of injured stars. They are coming off a season that didn't just disappoint in terms of overall performance, but was an emotional rollercoaster of tragedy and scandal along with the ups and downs in the standings.

But now that the day is here, Opening Day, I can't help but feel the excitement for the next 162 games. It's a fresh start, a new season. All bets are off and in baseball fans get to have a short memory following a disappointing season. Day One for us all, once again.

GO CARDS! I Live For This!!

And Now for Two Completely Unrelated Things:

2008-03-28T09:03:00.002-06:00

Traveling
I am hitting the road again this weekend. Or should I say skies. Yes, I am actually FLYING to Kansas City this weekend, because my Dad talked me into it- the convenience factor outweighing the economic factor. This will make the second consecutive weekend I will be in a plane, and after next week's business trip to Chicago it will be three weeks in a row. Who knew I was such a jetsetter??!

I was feeling poorly at the beginning of this week, so all the events I had planned for KC were looking more like exhaustion than fun, but now that I am feeling better I am starting to get excited about everything. My original plan included two museums (the Arabia Steamboat Museum and the Truman Presidential Library and Museum), a concert (Matt Pond PA) and a fancy birthday dinner (at The Capital Grille). I might not get to all of them, but I am going to try and do this birthday thing right this year!

Friendship
Why is it so difficult to make friends? Seeing my oldest and dearest friends this past weekend made me think about the difference between being with people who know you, and whom you know without really having to try, and those you are still having to learn about. Sometimes making new friends is exhausting because it's so much effort. It is certainly always a little scary (ie- the feeling of what if I let them in and then they end up not liking me). But it can be so worth it (exhibit A: the friends I have had for over a decade, who I can go years without seeing, but when we are together it is like no time has passed at all!).

Since I have moved to St. Louis I have not made very many new friends. Part of that is because I am shy in new situations, and I don't really like being the person to make the first move. Part of it is the effort involved, and the fear of someone not wanting to be my friend if they really get to know me. Part of it is because the other party apparently has that same fear and I can't get them to open up AT ALL. It is rather frustrating when I can talk/hang out with a person for months and then realize I know absolutely nothing about that person.

Out of all of the people I have met in the last couple of years, the person I know the most about is actually Josh, my trainer. It makes sense because I see him regularly, and how far can small talk really take you after 6 or 7 months? In a way, that is nice. I mean, he is a super cool person and someone I would totally hang with in normal circumstances. What makes it weird is that I pay him to spend time with me. It makes me feel just a little pathetic to say that my closest new "friend" is my personal trainer.

Presenting: What I Did on My Easter Vacation

2008-03-26T10:37:00.012-06:00

So, going back to New Hampshire wasn't quite what I expected it to be. In fact, I felt as though I had just left. Everything was still comfortably familiar- and in that way, the visit was anticlimactic. And I didn't need to cram in a whole lot of sightseeing because all the sights are still imprinted on my memory.

Really, the most important thing was the people I got to see:

Melissa and her daughter, Olivia

My baby nephew (on the verge of a tantrum), Satchel

The surprisingly camera-shy Rosa (my niece)

and! my BFF Carrie :-)

It was also a nostalgia tour in many ways. The first full day I was there, Melissa, Olivia and I drove through our college town, Durham:

Aside from the library, my time at UNH (at least the first time) was spent mostly in my dorm-

or at the hockey arena-

After college revisited, I headed up the highway where I got a crash course in winter driving as the mountains of Vermont dumped a little squall on me:

Then it was a trip down memory lane in my hometown.

A visit to the cemetery found my grandmother's grave almost completely buried:

Hanover looked almost exactly the same:

As did the Dartmouth campus:

My final stop, and the only "touristy" thing I really did over the long weekend, was a trip back to Boston to hit the Aquarium with Carrie.

They had some pretty cool things there, including an exhibit about jellyfish (an animal I find fascinating, but am also terrified of running across in the wild- hence my dislike of oceans):

Starfish!

A typical reaction from Carrie and I as we wandered past different exhibits was "OMG GROSS! That is so nasty.... give me the camera, I gotta get a picture of that..."
... Cuttlefish eating a shrimp...

... or that creepy looking Octopus...

One of the nastiest things was a display that had this mutant lobster and snow crab. They had to have been as big as a medium sized dog, or a small child. It was so disgusting!! Unfortunately, they were hanging out in the dark recesses of this one tank so the photos of them didn't come out so great:

Anyway, that was basically my trip! Who's next for "show and tell?"

I'm Tired of Subtlety

2008-03-25T10:48:00.003-06:00

Ok, for real: PEOPLE NEED TO COME VISIT ME!!

There, I said it.

I know I complain about St Louis a lot, but it is only in terms of the realities of living here. It is a fantastic tourist destination because there are lots of things to see. Plus, it's cheap.

We've got museums and outdoor attractions! We've got great sports arenas and casinos! We've got it all!!! (shouldn't I work for the tourism bureau, lol?)

And I would be a great hostess, even if I don't at the moment have anywhere in my apartment to put up guests. I can figure it out.

So, yeah, take note (you know who you are). I want visitors!! :-)

*update on my own recent travels to come shortly, with illustrations*

On the Road Again

2008-03-18T08:37:00.003-06:00

Last night I had a dream that I tried to sneak into work and use the fax machine to fax job application information out but people kept showing up: a crowd for a meeting, my boss, and a tour group of school kids.

...Apparently my subconscious was feeling a bit guilty about job searching at my current job...

Related or unrelated to that- I was half asleep listening to my alarm go off this morning and they are giving the traffic report and I was like, "Why are they doing traffic on a weekend?" Imagine my shock and dismay when I was finally conscious enough to realize it is TUESDAY! Ugh. Perhaps my dream counted for a whole week of work. Or else I was just really tired.

Exhaustion is a good possibilty given that I am in last minute preparation mode for my trip to New Hampshire. I leave tomorrow!! I am maximizing my long weekend by hitting three states, and as many friends and family members as I can squeeze in. I should be worn out, but happy, upon my return. There's never enough time, though, when your friends are as cool as mine :-)

I haven't been "home" to NH since I moved to St Louis (well, technically, since I spent a week there prepping for my Master's Exams October 2006), and as much as I never want to live there again I have so many memories and connection to that place: my childhood home!

Cougars

2008-03-11T12:10:00.001-06:00

Why is it that only middle age or older women think that I am pretty? Maybe if I was a lesbian interested in older women my life would be a lot easier...

The very definition of "overshare":

2008-03-08T21:21:00.004-06:00

My niece is dealing with some ex-boyfriend drama that is literally some of the craziest shit I have heard outside of the Maury Povich show. I feel so horrible that her first relationship is ending this way and the thought that this brand of crazy must have been lurking under the surface the entire time they were together (though hopefully didn't show itself before this) makes me sick. The last thing she needs is this one freaking asshole to affect the way she deals with men and relationships in the future.

It also makes me think a bit about myself (which, hey, much does- and since this is my blog I can feel free to talk endlessly about myself, right?) and my own relationship mishaps.

When people ask me about my ex-boyfriends, I tend to play them off with sarcasm: labeling them as huge mistakes and giving reasons like "he showed my engagement ring to all my friends before giving it to me" as the impetus for breaking up with my almost-fiance John.

The truth is that I pick the wrong guys on purpose, because I was/am afraid to really find "love" (whatever that means), and to avoid getting hurt, but I always end up hurt anyway... thus further eroding my ability to trust or be open in relationships.

I know, right: WAAH, WAAH, everyone has trust and commitment issues and everyone has been hurt in past relationships. Whatever, that doesn't make my struggle any less of a struggle for myself.

I have had four significant relationships in my life. The first cheated on me.. probably more often than I know about even today. I try not to regret him because of the significant things we shared together. And most of the time it is rather easy. It was a long time ago.

The second was a mutually destructive relationship with a person I should have most likely just stayed friends with. With #2 I came the closest I ever have to cheating (with relationship #3) even after I promised myself having been the victim of a cheater I never would do something like that. We were just so mean to each other, all the time. And it is ironic because #2 is probably the closest I came to really falling in love.

#3 was basically a fling. In many ways it was liberating because I basically got to be this whole other person, more adventurous and sponteanous than I ever had been. But there was no real emotional attachment there (I had that with his brother, which brought a whole other level to my confusion) and I can't really look back and blame him when I know we were just using each other.

#4 was John, my almost-fiance and almost-biggest mistake of my life. I think he fucked me up more than any other boyfriend I had and I still struggle with the "why". I never was in love with him. I was in love with the idea of getting married, sure, but I always (at some level) knew that he was wrong for me and that he was (not meaning to sound egotistical) not good enough for me. But I still dated him, against my first impressions, and I still let him mess with my self confidence.

He has this way (and I really don't think he knows this about himself) of putting other people down. Probably because he is himself insecure and it makes him feel better to always have the worse story or the better experience. His favorite phrase was "You don't even know..." It drove me nuts, and I never even realized at the time that his little comments actually affected me. Made me feel worse about myself.

And I have the lovely memory of the embarrassing way I behaved when he broke up with me (though I tend to stop the story in its re-telling at the point I broke up with him in KC, the truth is I moved back to NH and tried to rekindle that mistake). Even though I should have been relieved that I was finally free of someone who affected me far too much for the actual feelings I had for him.

It took me a long time after we broke up to even think about wanting another boyfriend. Not because I was devastated at the loss but because I had completely lost myself to the wrong person. Why would I risk making another monumental mistake like that?

But of course deep down I want to find love. Because if I am honest with myself I would admit I am actually a romantic. I just need to work on getting out of my own way. Someday it will happen. Yeah... I'm pretty sure.

What the Heck is Going on Around Here??

2008-03-03T09:23:00.003-06:00

Spring was in the air in St Louis this weekend. With Saturday temps in the 60s and Sunday topping 75* the entire city was out to enjoy the sunshine. I took advantage on Saturday by heading first to the Botanical Garden accross the street (where they had an exhibit of my favorite flowers, orchids):

Then I popped down to the Riverfront, just because it's there basically:

Today I woke up to 39* temperature and a forecast of rain turning to sleet and freezing rain turning to snow. A Winter Storm Warning is in effect for a storm that could dump anywhere between 3 and 10 inches of snow on us by tomorrow afternoon.

I really am torn between which is worse: the grueling marathon of winter in New England (where this year they are approaching record snowfall amounts), or the emotional rollercoaster of a midwest winter: it's warm and sunny, it's an ice storm, it's spring!, woops another blizzard!

I want off this crazy ride!!!

I Yem what I Yem

2008-02-21T11:50:00.004-06:00

I often wish my blogging style was of the quippy, anectodal variety, like so many of the blogs I myself enjoy reading. But I've never been very good at "funny", especially in my writing (is it no wonder my lifelong-project-likely-never-to-be-finished novel has lots of death and philosophy and angst?). I also wonder if I should confine my blogging to specific themes or topics- like, "this is a history blog, or a pop culture blog" or something.

Oh well. Get over it. My blog is what it is, just like I am what I am.

I would drive 800 miles...

2008-02-20T15:25:00.001-06:00

Josh tried to run me over as I walked through the parking lot of the gym yesterday. He literally swerved right at me, laying on his horn. Ass.

I told him, “One accident a week is more than plenty, thanks!”

Without admitting responsibility (the first step after an accident, according to my insurance card), the basic story is this… I rear-ended a guy on Monday.

I was driving through IL on my way to visit Amy (and the new baby), and I decided to speed off the moment the light turned green, completely ignoring the line of cars that stood between me and that intersection. It was totally one of those stupid things that you could laugh about later if it wasn’t costing you a bunch of money to fix the other person’s car even though you were only going five miles an hour.

It was so embarrassing. And I’ve been stressed for two days wondering if I would have to call my insurance company (and therefore screw my premiums) or pay out of pocket (and sink my budget). But I’ve got the gecko on it now, and I am feeling immeasurably better about the whole thing (no personal property damage deductible!!)

Monday’s incident was the ending to a holiday weekend that started with a spur of the moment jaunt to Kansas City to help my Dad look at potential townhome purchases*, during which we almost got snowed in because of a freak blizzard that hit the area Sunday morning.

(*Yes, my Dad is looking to move again. Apparently he hates Jeff City, which really who can blame him, but he has only been in his house a year and a half and he is already looking to change!! I guess I shouldn’t act so incredulous though- how much of a chance did I give the Lou before deciding I was ready to move on to bigger and more “capitol” things?)

So today’s question is this: I drove almost eight hundred miles in three days before I decided to play bumper cars with a random Lexus in Fairview Heights… Is that “irony” or just “coincidence”? Alanis? Anyone?

"Back to Life, Back to Reality"

2008-02-12T08:22:00.000-06:00

I made it back from DC. For a while there I doubted whether I would. I thought maybe I just wouldn't get on the plane to take me back.

I don't think I can describe what an amazing experience the last two weeks was. I want an advanced session of MAI, I want a class reunion with my fellow 103rd-ers. I want to pack up my car and move to DC tomorrow, despite having no job, money, or place to live.

Although... by last Friday I was ready for a break. I tried to cram way too much activity into my time there, and combining tourist activities with having to sit in a classroom all day and learn was extremely exhausting.

Tourist-fare: Jefferson Memorial, National Portrait Gallery, Pentagon City Mall, National Mall (monuments and memorials), Natural History Museum, Dupont Circle, Georgetown, National Cathedral, Arlington Cemetery, Wizards NBA game (v. San Antonio), Iwa Jima Memorial, International Spy Museum, much good food and too many bars.

Official Business: National Archives I and II (including Rotunda with "Documents of Freedom" and new Public Vaults exhibit), Library of Congress (including historic Jefferson Building), lots of old documents and a bit of learnin' (I think my brain might have reached capacity at about day 7/10).

I am still sorting through the nearly 300 pictures I took while in DC. Maybe someday they will be viewable. Once I have fully processed them and created a finding aid. Until then they are on restricted access.

Archives geeks might appreciate that attempt. But seriously, I could go on and on about the amazingness of the program but only people who are interested in archival studies would get it I think. It's easier to rave about DC and how much I love that city, but then people get the wrong idea about what I was out there doing.

I learned a lot, awakened a passion for this field, had fun, met some really cool people and hopefully made lasting friends. In short, it was one of the best experiences of my entire life.

Knocking on the Doors of Justice...

2008-02-02T23:18:00.000-06:00

After a few drinks...

2008-02-01T21:47:00.000-06:00

And they said I wasn't cultured (it's in a museum!)...

2008-01-30T21:22:00.000-06:00

Nerd Alert!

2008-01-29T21:17:00.000-06:00

I must embrace my geekdom, because I really can't believe how completely fascinating I am finding this intensive archival training program to be so far! I was (of course, it goes without saying) looking forward to two weeks in DC- though I dreaded a bit being away from the comforts of home/living in a hotel for so long- I was a little leery about whether I would enjoy learning the foundations of archival management.

But we just completed Day Two of the Institute and I am LOVING IT! One of the things I always enjoyed about school in general, and studying history in particular, were the opportunities to really analyze and interpret theories and situations to come up with my own ideas and conjectures. This program combines that with a real world aspect- being able to apply these theories to actual practices carried out in my job.

Who knew job training could be so intellectually stimulating??

I am the first to admit that I have questioned my commitment to this career- I have wondered whether I was putting off going after something I could really enjoy- whether I really knew what I wanted out of a job. But I am finally beginning to see a scenario where this career path takes me to a job that fulfills most of my basic requirements. Whether I have that position already (and it just needs to be tweaked), or whether that perfect job is in another avenue in this field, or whether the reality of everyday application of these inspirations really can live up to its expectations....

...remains to be seen.

I have not had too much of an opportunity to explore DC since I have been here (2 1/2 days now). That's the downside of a business trip- you are generally locked away for a large portion of your visit. Lunchtime has been a good time to explore the immediate area around the Archives, and of course this weekend will provide an opportunity for longer outings (once I figure out what destinations I most want to see- Arlington Cemetery, walking distance from the hotel, is tops on my list).

Mostly I just want to absorb being here in this city. DC has always held a special attraction for me, and perhaps if I had been bolder I would have tried to move here already. It has to do with my love of cities in general, and also of history and politics. Just walking the streets outside the Archives Building, past the Department of Justice, the IRS and the FBI, with the Capitol Building looming in the background, gives me a charge. The city is the center of our political culture, and no one with an interest in the history of our nation or its government can fail to feel alive here.

I Rule!

2008-01-23T14:43:00.000-06:00

actual comment submitted to hillaryclinton.com:

Dear Hillary,

Stop the negative attacks. All you are doing is reinforcing a disillusionment with politics that has grown under President Bush. Hey, you want to be President- we get it. But this nasty vindictive streak is more worthy of a playground bully than the leader this nation needs. If it keeps up, and you still manage to win the nomination, I will be forced to vote Republican for the first time in my life. Thanks for making me have an idea that abhorrent.

Sincerely,
Millions of Americans who are sick of the same old political games

(I don't really believe this email will matter or be read, but gee it makes me feel better to get it off my chest).

Totally Tubular

2008-01-20T10:39:00.000-06:00

1. Did you ever end a sentence with the word "PSYCH!"
No…PSYCH!!

2. Did you ever own a pound puppy?
Totally. I had several.

3. Which "heavy metal" group did you like?
Metallica. The “Enter Sandman” video scared the shit out of me.

4. What was your favorite Blondie song?
Umm… their famous one?

5. Strawberry Shortcake or Holly Hobby?
Strawberry Shortcake

6. Admit it, you owned the Strawberry Shortcake little scented dolls?
I did.

7. What are "Hammer Pants", and what is "Hammer Time?"
Puffy pants with tapered ankles. Is that when your house gets repossessed?

8. Fraggle Rock or the Muppets Show?
Fraggle Rock!

9. Saturday Mornings -
Smurfs.

10. Did you rock the side ponytail?
I used to rock a side half-ponytail!

11. Did you play the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)?
Holy crap!! When was the last time I thought about THAT game?? Crazy. Played it all the time though. Wonder why my life didn’t turn out the way the game said I would: living in a mansion with tom schlosser with 8 kids… Strange.

12. How many pairs of L.A. Gear did you own?
None then, though I actually own a pair today. “They call it a comeback!”

13. Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing or Are you There God?
Judy Blume, all the way.

14. Did you ever "wax on" and "wax off"?
Like, physically make the motion? No.

15. Do you even know what i'm talking about?
Sweep the leg.

16. Did you wear flourescent clothing (Be Truthful!)?
YES! But not, like all the time. There is a pic of me in matching neon green shirt and shorts. It was hot. Plus I think my Hypercolor shirt was neon.

17. Michael Jackson or Prince?
The King of Pop. Before the fall.

18. Name three actors from the movie Goonies.
Sean Astin, Throw Mama from the Train lady, and… okay, I maybe never saw this movie all the way through.

19. Cabbage Patch Kids or Garbage Pail Kids?
Sadly, both. GPK were pretty disgusting, weren’t they?

20. What lunch box did you carry to school?
I’m pretty sure I had a Smurfs one at some point.

21. Slap bracelets?
Hell yeah!

22. Hypercolor t-shirts or Jelly Shoes?
See Question #16.

23. George Michael or Boy George?
Both. I actually had a crush on George Michael though. Hahahahahaaa!

24. Friendship Pins or Friendship Bracelets?
Bracelets. We used to walk around with the embroidery floss on a safety pin stuck in our jeans all the time.

25. Madonna or Cyndi Lauper?
Cyndi. Girls just want to have fun, after all.

26. Did you wear penny loafers with a penny in them, and rolled up jeans?
Loafers, yes. Penny, no. Rolled jeans, yes- but I resisted until the trend was almost over.

27. What 80's movie did Julia Roberts mark her debut in (*hint* not pretty woman)?
Mystic Pizza?

28. Do you know what happened to Baby Jessica?
Well. Incidentally, I remember even more clearly the McGyver episode where a little Amish girl fell down a well. “Ripped from the headlines”?

29. What TV show did Johnny Depp get his start?
21 Jump Street!

30. Corey Haim or Corey Feldman?
Haim. Except… have you seen him lately? Ugh.

31. Did you own a Rubix cube, and if so, were you able to ever solve it?
Yes. No.

32. What NFL team performed the "Superbowl Shuffle"?
Da Bears.

33. Where were you when the space shuttle "Challenger" blew up?
At school eating lunch in the Multipurpose room with all the other students. Christa McCauliffe was a NH native...

34. Run DMC remade what group's song "Walk this Way", and performed the new take with them?
Aerosmith – Love them.

35. Frankie says?
Relax.

36. How many swatches did you own? Do you remember the colors?
One? I have no idea.

37. New Coke or Classic Coke?
Classic- New Coke tasted just like Pepsi. Ick.

38. Who was your favorite Facts of Life character?
Tootie… Ok, I didn’t really watch the show.

39. Prince Charles and Diana or Luke and Laura?
Charles & Diana

40. Did you own an Atari? If so, what was your favorite game?
Sewer Sam!

41. What is the "Eye of the Tiger"?
it’s the thrill of the fight.

42. Are you singing it in your head now?
“Rising UP to the challenge of our rival!!” Wait, what?

43. Did you think high school was going to be like Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
I don’t think I even saw Fast Times before High School.

44. Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles?
Pretty in Pink was by far superior!! Ducky AND Andrew McCarthy, hello?

45. What movie provided the famous line..."THEIR HEEEEERRRRREEE"?
Poltergeist

46. Did you wear leg warmers?
No.

47. Wacky Wallwalker or Stretch Armstrong?
Wallwalkers. Because they walked down walls AND they were wacky!

48. Pee Wee sang "The Stars at Night...are Big and Bright! in what famous movie?
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. “There’s no basement at the Alamo!”

49. Couldn't wait for the summer for Slip and Slide?
We didn’t have a hill near my house, though I have played it. “Slip and bleed from the annusss they should’ve called this ride.”

50. Did you wear scrunched up socks with your reeboks?
I have no recollection.

51. Rainbow Bright or My Little Pony?
My Little Pony.

52. Magic Johnson or Larry Bird?
Magic.

53. We Are the World or The Greatest Love of All?
We are the World… because we are the children. And children are our future.

54. Did you say "What you talking 'bout Willis"?
Two years ago- yes, twenty- no.

55. What was the hair spray of choice for girls around the nation to unreasonably tease their hair?
Aqua Net.

56. Did you own banana clips?
Hahahahaaa, yes. (Dane Cook has colored too many 80s memories for me, now. Damn him!)

57. The Cosby Show or Family Ties?
Family Ties!! Though Cosby had the better opening credits.

58. Did you ever think She-Ra and He-man should have hooked up?
Eww, weren’t they cousins or something?? Plus, I think He-Man was gay.

59. Barbie or Jem?
I played with Barbie, but Jem was truly, truly outrageous.

60. Do you remember going to the skating ring BEFORE inline skates?
Omg, like every week- where we tried to do the hokey pokey on skates, and I was always falling on my ass playing foosball because I got too excited after scoring a goal and jumped around like an idiot.

61. What fast food restaurant put out the famous commercial, Where's the Beef?
Wendy's.

62. Did you rush home to watch the "After School Specials"?
No.

63. Ferris Bueller or Teen Wolf?
Ferris!

64. You still have the "Eye of the Tiger" in your head, don't you?
“And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger”

65. Who ya gonna call?
Ghostbusters!

66. Flashdance or Footloose?
Footloose.

67. Tiffany or Debbie Gibson?
“out of the blue, love appeared, before my eyes, with you…” Debbie Gibson.

68. What was the first video MTV played?
"Video Killed the Radio Star"

69. What was ET's favorite candy?
Reese's Pieces

70. What TV show did Bruce Willis star in?
Moonlighting.

71. What was the name of the talking car in Knight Rider?
KIT! That show ruled, despite the Hoff.

72. What song had the words "Gag me with a spoon"?
“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A-lot. OMG, Becky, look at that girl’s butt.

73. What character on a TV show liked to eat cats?
Alf

74. Name six members of the Brat Pack?
Demi Moore, Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Andrew McCarthy, Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy :)

75. Duran Duran or Depeche Mode?
Duran Duran.

76. What group did New Order evolve from?
Does it count if I had to google the answer? Probably not since I never heard of either band.

77. What was the name of the Bjork fronted 80's band?
Christ, Idk.

78. Name all five New Kids on the Block...
Jordan and Jonathan Knight, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny (last name?), and Joey McIntyre.

79. What TV actress co-starred in the movie "Howard the Duck"?
Lea Thompson. Inter-species love… I bet that movie would have the GOP in fits today. ;-)

80. Name the 4th original member of Depeche Mode, went on to form Yaz, and then another more lasting group?
…?

81. What speed did Marty have to reach in order to activate the flux capacitor (*hint* Back to the Future*) .
88mph! (which took “1.21 gigawatts?!!” of power)

82. Name Buck Rogers pal.
It was a robot or something, right? Idk.

83. What was the name of the bartender on The Love Boat?
Isaac?

84. What was the name of the once Morissey-fronted band of the 80's?
the Smiths?

85. Did you wear the Izod polo shirts?
No, I wasn’t that preppy.

86. Esprit, Guess, or Forenza?
Guess

87. Did you think you would be killed by pop rocks and soda *be honest*?
No. I tried it a bunch of times.

88. The California Raisins or Spuds McKenzie?
The Raisins I guess.

89. Did you skateboard, and if so, did you make sure you had on all your Vision Streetwear .. you went out as if you were Gator Rogowski?
No.

90. Do you remember Max Headroom, and if so, what commercials do you remember him from?
Yes. Coke?

91. Did you own a Beta or VHS?
VHS, never Beta to my knowledge.

93. Let's get?
Physical

94. What was the name of Don Johnson's character on Miami Vice?
Sonny?

95. Solid Gold or Dance Fever?
Dance Fever.

96. Halloween or Friday the 13th?
I’ve never seen Halloween.

97. Beat Street or Breakin?
Neither.

98. What Irish rock group had us all singing, Sunday, Bloody Sunday?
U2.

99. What was the trendy term for popular music in the 80's?
Pop? Wth?

Too Much Reality in my Reality TV

2008-01-16T14:28:00.001-06:00

Despite my pledge to go to sleep earlier at night, in order that I could make myself get UP earlier in the morning and thereby avoid my usual last minute dash out the door, I found myself engrossed in the latest Celebreality disaster on VH1.

I have vaguely fond memories of Dr. Drew from the Loveline years (on Mtv), and he is now the organizer of Celebrity Rehab- the newest show where barely famous people risk humiliation for another dose of stardom.

I could take or leave 99% of the participants on this show. Sure it's sad that they succumbed to the party atmosphere of fame, or smoke so much pot they can't function, or blame their estrangement from their addict mom for her death. But I really think the only thing that kept me glued to the tv at 11:30pm last night was the absolute horror of watching actor Jeff Conaway's (Kenickie!) withdrawal induced hallucinations and catatonic state.

Oh My God, how can they put that on television?!!?!?!!?!!! Even Dr. Drew was seemingly scared by his state- and this is a guy who deals with addicts all the time. Jeff's habit (apparently encouraged by his co-dependant girlfriend) has him popping thousands of dollars of prescription pain killers and chasing it with coke to even himself out.

This is not a show I can bring myself to make snarky remarks about- to roll my eyes at celebrity vanity (like whichever Baldwin claiming he was there to use his celebrity to bring awareness to addiction)- because I spent the entire hour in horror at one participant's condition.

I don't care that I know he didn't die, Jeff Conaway's detox is the most disturbing thing I have ever watched on television.

Why Doesn't Everyone Else Believe What I Believe?

2008-01-15T09:56:00.000-06:00

This shit is seriously pissing me off!!

I started in this election being immediately drawn to Obama- his message and charisma were encouraging and refreshing. But I also tried to look objectively at the other candidates, and for a while it was between Obama, Richardson and Clinton for me.

Now, every day that passes makes me dislike Hillary Clinton even more. Her and Bill are running this campaign like rabid, bi-polar dogs: playing the victim one minute to garner sympathy and then flying into attack mode the next, raging against perceived slights and twisting their rivals’ words.

For example, the newest assertion by Bill that he has a list of 80 personal attacks Obama has made against Hillary. What's on this list, no one knows. If he really has such a list he should release it so the voters can judge these attacks. We tried "lists" of wrongdoings before, and as I recall it didn't work out the best for McCarthy in the end.

It is dirty politics at its best, and every time I hear someone agree with those two (or worse, make ridiculous statements about Obama as a snake oil salesman, or an Islamic fanatic in league with terrorists- I couldn’t make that stuff up), I just want to bang my head on the wall in frustration because I can’t change people’s minds or make them see how the Clintons’ campaign is just nasty, NASTY!! Why do we support candidates that tear down their opponents instead of people who are trying to focus on mobilizing us to change our own destiny?

I’ve been told its naïve (and so has Obama) to be idealistic- to make statements about what this country COULD be if we all really participated and forced change. But I would rather be naïve than simply to fall back into my attitude of cynicism regarding the fate of this country. To be like I was for the last eight years, before a candidate came along who actually made me believe again that there are people who really want to make a difference.

Don’t you think I want to be able to support a female candidate for President? I think it is really important that there is finally a woman with the credentials to run for such an office! But I just can’t support Hillary, because every day I lose more and more respect for her and Bill.

Babble on about experience, or race/gender, or any other of a myriad of issues that this campaign has now become about. I personally will take idealism over dirty politics any day of my life.

From The Secret Files of Boring McStaysathomealot

2008-01-14T09:46:00.001-06:00

I had one of those weekends where you just don't get anything accomplished. And sometimes that's okay!

Saturday morning I went to see Juno (again). That is such a great movie- original, and funny, but also heartbreaking and sweet. Josh made fun of me because as he says "you ARE Juno, why do you need to see the movie again?" I am not sure I agree, though I would take it as a compliment. Sure, I am a fan of sarcasm- but I seriously doubt my comments are as witty as those from a movie script.

The only other thing I did was read: two and a half books over one weekend. I am a reading machine!!!

First, I finished a horror novel (written by Stephen King's son, Joe Hill) called The Heart-Shaped Box. I began it earlier in the week, but reading a ghost story alone, at night, was a little too freaky. By the light of day it was a really interesting story and not at all scary. Instead, it turned out to be an excellent supernatural mystery.

Next I read Atonement by Ian McEwan. Yes, I am one of those people who read a book after it is made into a movie. I wanted to read it before I saw the movie, actually, but it was checked out of the library. Though I might recommend the movie (if for the simple fact that James McAvoy is hottttt), the book is exponentially better. The internal struggle of the characters is almost impossible to capture on-screen, and the book has so much more depth. You get such an amazing sense of how misperceptions can affect the course of an entire life, or lives. It’s a beautiful and tragic story.

Yesterday I began John LeCarre’s most famous novel, The Spy Who Came In From the Cold. I have wanted to read his work since I saw “The Constant Gardner” (again with the movies!), and if all his novels are as interesting as this one I will probably read his whole collection. This book combines my two favorite genres: political mystery/thriller and historical fiction, and it also takes place during the Cold War. So, major pluses on its side right from the get-go. I had a hard time putting it down last night, even though it was late and I had to get up for work this morning. I love books that are so absorbing.

And that is my weekend in a nutshell. Try not to be jealous of the excitement of my life.

"In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope."

2008-01-10T20:42:00.001-06:00

I Think Corey Hart Said it Best About the Future...

2008-01-10T14:53:00.000-06:00

I have decided not to apply to PhD programs for next fall. I think at some point you have to stop expecting the BBD and just take stock of what you do have. Granted, my job is not ideal, but is putting myself through another 3-5 years of academic stress and voluntary poverty going to guarantee something better? Sadly, no.

I will still cling to a PhD as a goal- but a future one. I need to start living my life today; to work with what I have to find my niche instead of throwing away an entire possible career industry just because I am dissatisfied with my current position.

I hope I don’t ultimately regret my decision. I think I was in such a hurry to get everything done because I fear that the future is so uncertain. Who is to say that I will not get distracted by other things and not be able to go back to school? It’s possible, but I have other goals in life besides another degree (which I am not ultimately sure I want for the right reasons- is it enough just to want a PhD for the status symbol and personal fulfillment of it?).

So I have decided to focus on more short-term goals. I am off at the end of the month to Washington, D.C. for a two week archival training program put on by the National Archives. I received a scholarship from the Society of American Archivists to pay for a portion of the Institute, so I feel like this is a big deal- and something I need to take seriously. In a way, I look at this opportunity as a major test of whether this career path is right for me. If after two weeks in D.C. I feel excited by this kind of work then I can begin to prepare for the certification examination which would be the next step in the professionalization of my career.

Also, since education/teaching is something I can’t seem to banish from my mind as a possibility (and the main impetus for the idea to return to school), I am going to explore alternate ways to test those waters, and see if it is really something I want to do. Current ideas include proposing a continuing education class on some historical topic to teach at the local community college, or looking into secondary certification programs.

I guess the theme here is that I am trying to be happy with my life AND make changes, at the same time, instead of looking at happiness as some distant goal that involves changing everything all at once.

Babies, Baby

2008-01-09T12:38:00.000-06:00

I have babies on the brain lately. What with the arrival of my nephew and the fact that two others I know are expecting in just a few short weeks. Perhaps it is my biological clock revving up, I don’t know. I have always struggled with the decision whether I wanted to have kids, sometimes thinking definitely and other times believing I would be a horrible parent. I guess I figured once I met the right guy I would know one way or the other (though I think deep down I hope I do want to have kids).

Like every middle schooler at heart, I imagine what I will name my future children. Lately, I have been more interested in choosing those names (like I said, babies on brain). I don’t gravitate toward baby names because of the meaning of the name necessarily (I mean, obviously I don’t want my kid’s name to mean “total asshole” or anything like that), but because they have a family connection or else are names I just happen to like.

So to lay claim to my favorites (heed the time stamp because I can PROVE you stole my idea from this moment forward), or just to record for posterity if I never end up with kids, here is my list of top names:

Girls:
#1- Liliana Marie Marie is my paternal grandmother’s middle name. She practically raised me so I always knew I wanted to incorporate something of her, and unfortunately I don’t like her first name, Dorothy. Liliana is a variation of one of my favorite girl’s names, Lily. I saw it on a list of nun’s names I was reading at work one day and thought it was beautiful, and a unique variation.
#2- Clara Clementine These are both names of great-grandmothers. Clara is my mother’s grandmother’s first name (Bockstruck), and Clementine is for my paternal great-grandmother, Susan Clementine Ashby. I wasn’t sure if I liked the alliteration, and may have to reconsider the pairing if the father’s name starts with C as well.
Honorable Mention- Oriana (or) Cordelia Natalie Natalie holds no special meaning except I think it is a lovely name. Oriana is a variation of my maternal grandmother’s name (Ora Jane Dunlap), while Cordelia is of course a great Shakespearean heroine.

Boys:
#1- Lennon William William is obviously for my father. Lennon is for the Beatle, not the Russian revolutionary, though I didn’t realize until recently that it is in fact a legitimate first name (Celtic or Gaelic, depending on which site you visit).
#2- Owen (or) Caleb Vincent Vincent is my maternal grandfather’s first name. Of all my grandfather’s (I had three, one a step) it is the only name I like. Owen and Caleb are just names I happen to like, the latter a more recent addition to the list.
Honorable Mention- Angus Ryan (or) Ryan Angus Neither of these names have any specific connection (maybe a reference to Ryan Miller with the middle name), but I have always loved them. Hey, Ryan is from Guster and Gus is a nickname of Angus! That rules.

So there it is. Whether I have 0 or 6 kids, I know I at least have the name part covered. And seriously, my husband will have no say (just like he just has to show up for the wedding/honeymoon I have already planned). ;-)

XOXO

Cluster**** to the White House- NH Edition

2008-01-08T14:31:00.000-06:00

"Everybody in this race, Democrat and Republican, is now officially for Change. They get more fervent about Change every day; it's only a matter of time before they start calling for tactical air strikes on Washington. I'll be honest with you: I'm getting tired of Change. I think it'd be nice, for a change, if a candidate came out against Change, maybe with a catchy slogan like, 'Remember: It Could Get Worse,'' or 'Hey, At Least You're Not Dead.' “– Dave Barry (comedian)

Today is the New Hampshire Primary Election. I am a bit jealous, actually, that I no longer am involved in being First in the Nation. I should remind myself that Missouri has much more influence population wise, and will be important as a swing state in the general election, but it was a source of pride for many years to be a New Hampshirite come election time.

I’ve actually already marked my ballot for Missouri’s February 5th primary, since I will be out of town that day. So I can feel a little like I am participating in the early election results!

I am also excited, politically, because my two favorite satires returned to the air last night! The Daily Show and The Colbert Report began broadcasting again, despite the writer’s strike. Of course it sucks that the network made them come back even without their writer’s, and I want the strike to end anyway because I am missing all of my regular shows, but it was good to have Jon and Stephen back on the air. Jon seemed to suffer the most at the lack of script (despite the hilarious crack at “cold, white people” in Iowa and “colder, whiter people” in NH getting out to vote), but the Colbert Report was as hilarious as ever. He made fun of the election (a victory in Iowa for Huckabee really meant that Colbert won), and the writer’s strike (he’s always been anti-union, and the teleprompter reads his thoughts and projects them into words) in a seamless transition from last November. I missed them so!!

Doogie

2008-01-07T17:06:00.000-06:00

At work today I was talking about how I thought it was a little strange that we had an open bar at the luncheon following my grandfather's funeral last week (not only because it was at 11 in the morning, but also because HE was an alcoholic), and the conversation moved on to a discussion of different drinks that we like.

My co-worker then said to me: "But you're not old enough to drink, are you? 21?" I stared at her blankly for a moment, then replied. "I'm 30." "Well... good for you." She said.

I found this entire exchange hilarious. Gee, I'd love to actually look like I might not be old enough to drink, but come on! And also, haven't I discussed the fact that I have a master's degree and also took several years off in between my undergrad years? Does that mean I started college when I was 12? I certainly never advertised my age- it is still hard to say it even though I am close to moving up yet another year- but I didn't think someone who's known me almost a year would be THAT off! Hah.

W. Satchel- first baby photos

2008-01-04T23:12:00.000-06:00

A Regular Martha Stewart Over Here.

2008-01-02T19:59:00.000-06:00

I finished the baby gift I was "creating" for my new nephew today. I think it came out pretty nice. There wasn't as much to do to it as some of the other projects I have undertaken. I started with a shadowbox I purchased at TJMaxx. It was white with a blue cloth interior. Based on the colors of the baby's room I painted the shadowbox "frame" Golden Straw (aka- yellow). Most of the glued on pieces were purchased already painted (a departure for me, but painting sports paraphenalia seemed silly when they already had them done for me!), but I chose the "dot" style letters and painted them red to blend well with any Cardinals memorabilia that might remain in the room. Tonight I glued everything on and reassembled the door.

Basically that was all I had to do, and my gift for Satchel is now complete!! Once I figure out the best way to ship it to VT without damaging all my hard work (hah!) I will be all set.

Satchmo

2007-12-28T14:20:00.000-06:00

I just received word that I have a new nephew! My brother Jeff and his wife (mostly her) welcomed their son, William Satchel Moorman (he'll go by his middle name) today at 1:05pm Eastern Time! He weighed 7lbs. 5 oz. and was 20 inches long! Mom and baby (and Dad and big sister Rosa) are all doing well.

The Moorman name lives on!

Maybe my standards are too high

2007-12-22T21:12:00.001-06:00

My Christmas decorations had to come down already this year. My cat was knocking ornaments all over the floor and today took the whole tree out, inluding the table it was sitting on. Twice.

I am still in the Christmas spirit, though. I swear!! Just without the tree and the ornaments and the lights. I listened to Christmas songs all week at work, though I preferred by far the CD I brought in- the one containing all Bing Crosby music. I suppose it is a bit strange that a person of my generation loves Bing Crosby (songs and movies, even) so much. But how can you NOT enjoy listening to that man sing?? He's amazing.

I am heading to my sister's in Kansas City on Christmas Eve to spend the holiday with her family (and also to attend my niece's first communion on Christmas Eve). I often think the actual Christmas Day is a bit of a letdown after the anticipation and preparation of weeks, even months. It also becomes less of a deal as you get older and there are fewer presents waiting under the tree for you.

I have much less exciting Christmas Wish Lists as I've gotten older too. I usually ask for a few things I never expect to get (an iPod, until I gave up and bought one for myself, and this year a Nintendo Wii), but generally my list is practical items. One year I even asked for a trip to the dentist for Christmas because I didn't have insurance and hadn't had my teeth cleaned in so long!

This year all I want for Christmas is Josh. That sounds dirtier than it is, of course (innuendo intential). I am hoping to get some cashola so I can continue to employ his services twice a week. Oh man, I am making it worse! Hah.

Speaking (in code) about romance, or even a social life, there is not much other than failure to report. The one guy I liked enough to hang out with a couple times recently has since dropped off the planet, so clearly the interest was not reciprocated. Now someone I know wants to set me up on a blind date (a friend of a friend thing- my friend doesn't even know this guy)- but I can't help but be skeeved by the whole idea. Plus a blind date just seems kind of desperate to me.

I guess I shouldn't complain so much about having no friends if I can't take advantage of the situations presented to me. Even situations that potentially present reclusive serial killers. Who am I to be so picky?

2007: Year in Review Post

2007-12-15T18:09:00.000-06:00

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Held the World Series Trophy, asked a boy on a date (yes I know how old I am, still had never done it before).

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
The "get healthier" resolutions went pretty well, but I didn't really make progress on the "social" (make friends) or "personal fulfillment" (read more, WRITE!) ones.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year. I know three whose babies will arrive next month.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
It's the third year in a row I haven't left this country! UGH!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
“still looking for that boyfriend” (last year's answer still true).

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The whole year is literally a big blur.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
losing weight.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not a glimmer of a social life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my cat.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I am pretty proud of my own accomplishments, to be honest. For once.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bush, Britney, My Cardinals.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Toward my new healthier lifestyle.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
It wasn't that kind of year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
“Wake Up Call”- Maroon Five, and a little bit that Fergie song that they played every five seconds for the entire year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder? sadder I guess (still dissatisfied with much of my current life situation- job, social life, etc.)
b) thinner or fatter? THINNER! FINALLY!!!
c) richer or poorer? poorer (why is it so hard to live on a budget??)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
making new friends, traveling.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
spend money on stupid shit I don't even need (ditto this from last year)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I am going to Kansas City for the day to be with my sister and her family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.

22. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Chuck, The Office. I miss tv :(

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
A Prayer for Owen Meany- John Irving. Not only an intriguing story, and way to appease my homesickness for NH, but it got me back into the habit of reading (special thanks also to the writer's strike for no tempting TV programs to distract me). I've read 13 books in the last two months!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Blake Lewis. It was kind of a dry year, music wise.

27. What did you want and get?
A job, an apartment, a cat, a skinnier me (40 pounds and counting, yo!)

28. What did you want and not get?
Friends, a lottery win.

29. What was your favorite film this year?
Juno, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (3-D!!), and Pan's Labyrinth.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to the Botanical Garden and then to dinner at Pujols 5. I was t-h-i-r-t-y.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
to make some new friends and be able to visit some old ones.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 2007?
pretty casual, as per usual. I had to get a new wardrobe but it was all the basics.

33. What kept you sane?
my friends, my family, my cat.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dan Radcliffe and Barack Obama (not that way). I also had a huge, random crush on both Gordon Ramsey and Steve Carell (can't explain it).

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
immigration, the war, the election.

36. Who did you miss?
my grandmother (still true), my friends back east (especially Carrie).

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Josh- he's helped me so much!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007
I think I learned a lot about myself this year. How often I defeat myself before I even try, and how my fears and insecurities hold me back from taking chances (fear of failure), and from putting myself out there to make new friends (fear of rejection). I worked on those issues a bit this year, but I want to take more risks next year so I can really make significant changes in my life.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
My favorite quote of the year is not a song lyric, but it perfectly sums me up (or how I would like to view the world, anyway): "No one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new beginning."

But if we are being a stickler for answering the question directly, I would say:
the entire song Come Downstairs and Say Hello by Guster.

LOVE and HATE

2007-11-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

I love bookstores. I love being surrounded by books. I love new books and the thrill of knowing I am the first to open their pages.

I love that when I open the trunk with all of Grandma’s things it still smells like her house, even after two years.

I love autumn. It’s my favorite season- it reminds me of back to school, sitting in the stands at a football game clutching a steaming cup of hot chocolate, and that first chilly day when you have to throw on a sweatshirt before going outside.

I love garlic. I like the smell of it, and how it tastes spicy if you use too much.

I love my cat, because even when she aggravates me, she makes me laugh.

I love deep discussions about philosophical questions, even if they result in a heated debate of differences.

I love baseball, for the inexplicable sense of belonging I feel while watching a game.

I like the smell of a skunk’s spray.

I love Ryan Miller’s voice.

I love to read a book that is so absorbing that I will stay up all night to finish it rather than break the spell.

I love the word “inevitable,” just for the way it sounds to say it out loud.

I love to laugh so hard I can’t breathe.

I love history, for so many more reasons than I could explain. I love nearly everything about history.

**

I hate fireworks.

I hate ignorance, in any disguise, that is directed toward other people.

I hate the media obsession with celebrity gossip, and the fact that I often fall for it.

I hate seafood, mushrooms, and strawberry banana yogurt.

I hate that Americans (in general) know hardly anything about other cultures, don’t seem to care, and then think petty things like “jealousy” are the cause of all our international problems.

I hate spiders, almost all bugs, scorpions, crabs and lobsters.

I dislike when people walk the aisles of the store as though there is no one else shopping.

I dislike Adam Sandler, Larry the Cable Guy, and Rush Limbaugh. They are not funny.

I hate insecurity, especially my own.

We all have our wild days.

2007-11-18T22:29:00.000-06:00

Some of my favorite memories with old friends are the crazy and irresponsible road trips we have taken. Leaving at 5am to drive to New York, or concert trips to Pittsburgh. Or the best, just driving- with no clear destination or purpose.

I particularly have fantastic memories of past jaunts to Montreal (not including the time my friend took my boyfriend to a whorehouse... who does that?). The first time I went up without parental supervision we went to see a baseball game.

Parc Olympique is one of those places you hate to visit: ugly (yellow seats??), loud (annoying banging of said seats in “rally” cry), and full of ignorant fans (“Oh, our team is only half a MATCH behind”... maybe if we were playing cricket, asshole). But now that the Expos have moved I think I may actually miss that eyesore. Anyway, that first trip we stayed at this scary rape hotel down the street from the ballpark. I don't think I have ever seen its rival in sketchiness. I mean, a swimming pool/bar in the parking lot??? How tropical.

The best trip was when my friend Melissa and I went up there for Spring Break one year. Ohh, good times. First night we found the wrong kind of bar and got hit on by this middle-aged French-speaking lesbian who wanted us to buy her a beer. But the second night we found the college hangouts.

Strangest moment: sitting at a table at Peel Pub when this random guy walks by, turns around and comes back, leans down and kisses Melissa. “I wanted to do that, so I did.” I was like... Rock the hell on, man! haha.

Then we met these random guys on the street and bar hopped with them all night (chicken schwarma at 3am!!), until they wanted us to come back to their place and watch Apocalypse Now (nothing says drunken hookup with foreign stranger like a movie about drugs, death and destruction in Vietnam).

It was at that point I somehow willed a taxi cab that was passing to stop for us, so we jumped in and made our getaway. The cab driver seemed shocked that we didn’t want to “make babies” with the random guys, but was soon distracted by enlisting our help to prank call another taxi driver. Melissa pretended to be a stripper (with some imaginative name like “Candy”) who needed a ride from Solid Gold. I am sure it was a barrel of laughs when the cab driver showed to pick up his nonexistent fare. Too bad we missed it.

That whole night was a series of events that in retrospect seem so artificial- like a really bad female version of "Road Trip." I think that was even the same trip where we saw a guy get busted (full on spread eagle against the wall, law enforcement with guns drawn) at the L-mall in Longeuil. Things like that just don't happen in real life? Certainly not to me. Except that one time.

Anyway... Don’t you love when people babble on about their own shit with total disregard for whether you care what the hell they did in Canada?? Tough.

Half a dozen of one, 12 of the other, really

2007-11-13T18:27:00.000-06:00

Just like the people who consistenly get song lyrics wrong, there are those who repeat misheard phrases/cliches. Can you spot the errors below?

“Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice…. You can’t fool me again.” (everyone with a television should remember that the author of this little gem is none other than our fearless leader, Pres. Bush! Proud to be an American?)

“Why don’t you make like a tree, and get out of here.”
“That makes as much sense as a screen door on a battleship.” (these two being from the same brilliant film trilogy from the 80s! “Heavy!!”)

“Wow, she can really talk your arm off.”
“Well, at this juncture that is a mute point.” (spoken, on numerous occasions, by people I actually know! If only it weren’t pompous to correct grammatical mistakes!!)

i reed gud

2007-11-12T18:49:00.001-06:00

It took me a long time after last October’s reading intensive exam to pick up a book again. I still have not successfully completed a non-fiction work. And I love reading. I couldn’t believe that I had become so burned out after graduate school and its intellectual rigors. Sure, I’ve read books since then. But most of them have been the supermarket reads- Harry Potter, Dan Brown, and etc. Entertaining, but about as intellectually stimulating as all the television shows I have wasted my recent evenings watching.

I had forgotten how a good book can inspire you. For me, it inspires my dream of writing (when it doesn’t depress me by illustrating the gap in talent between that book’s author and me). It inspires my imagination and my analytical skills. I love to work out themes of books- to guess what the author meant by adding that part of the story. The themes of my own imagination seem so limited and mundane compared to the multiple storytelling layers found in some of my favorite books.

I first picked up A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving because I was feeling homesick for New Hampshire. I knew the book was set there, that Irving had been born and raised there. And the main outcome having finally finished the novel is that I feel even MORE homesick. The novel takes place in a fictionalized Exeter, but the mentions of familiar places (UNH, Hampton Beach, etc.) made me feel even more nostalgic for the land of my childhood. (Incidentally, this is another reason I need to force myself to work on my own writing- the largest portion of my novel takes place in my hometown).

The other thing this novel did is make me think about my own reaction to its most evident theme- religious faith and doubt, and the presence or absence of miracles in the modern world. For someone who bad mouths organized religion (despite working for one of them) and never goes to church, I think about religion and faith quite a bit. I remember growing up that church was a very important part of my life. Church every Sunday, Church camp every summer, and a certainty and comfort in my faith that was centered almost solely on the romanticized view I held about my priest (I imagined that Jesus, as a person, was very like Fr. Bud- confident, approachable, charismatic, comforting, and undeniably loveable). Though I don’t know that I ever took the leap to seeing Jesus (or Fr. Bud) as a Messiah- something more than human, something divine.

Irving’s narrator, John, was someone who’s religious doubt was converted by a strong character in his life- the somehow inhuman Owen Meany. In John I see a parallel to my own childhood faith, that was wrapped up in my vision of someone who knew himself to be holy. John witnesses a miracle that gives him faith (though Owen would argue that faith is only genuine when it occurs without proof), though he still has doubts that he refuses to admit.

I think it is probably natural to have doubts about faith. But I also think it is easier to have faith than to believe wholly in the tenets of one religion. Religion requires leaps of judgment (a willful suspension of disbelief) which are difficult for me because I consider myself a natural critic and philosopher. I question assumptions and authority as a rule, which are the foundation for a true adherence to religion.

I don’t mean to go off on a philosophical tangent, I just want to convey how much I enjoyed reading this book because of the way it made me think (is STILL making me think) about the author’s intentions and my own reactions to his storytelling. It’s what I wish I could do in my own writing, but barring that, it is something I should attempt to get out of other people’s writing much more often than I have done in the recent past.

i can't help that it's so fun to bait him

2007-10-29T16:51:00.000-06:00

ElijahsRaven603 (5:26:26): grammar police
Auto response from bobocito69 (5:26:30): SOX ARE CHAMPS! And we SWEPT THOSE ROCKIES RIGHT OFF THERE HIGH HORSE!!!
bobocito69 (5:38:31 PM): fuck the grammar police the sox are winners oh and how did the cards do this year????
Auto response from ElijahsRaven603 (5:38:32 PM): duuuude
ElijahsRaven603 (5:46:44 PM): ahh yes. a sore winner is so attractive.
bobocito69 (5:47:08 PM): sore winner i am not sore i am thrilled and WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!!
ElijahsRaven603 (5:47:35 PM): a sore winner is someone who gloats like a moron at an outcome that was totally predictable.
bobocito69 (5:47:45 PM): OH IT WAS??
bobocito69 (5:47:56 PM): cause did the cards even make the playoffs???
“bobocito69” is away from the computer as of 5:48:11 PM.
ElijahsRaven603 (5:48:18 PM): uh yeah. they were the best team in the ml this year. and who the fuck is even talking about the cardinals. god, you're such a fucking idiot.
Auto response from bobocito69: LAYING DOWN FOR A WHILE CAUSE I NEED THE REST cause tommrow it boston for the parade and the dropkicks!!!!!!

It's just too easy sometimes. I always know that when I need to indulge my mean-spirited and vindictive side my ex can be counted on to provide an easy target. mwuahahahahaa.

Regret

2007-10-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

I am so suave when it comes to men. For reals. I meet a guy, and if I am attracted to him I do one of two things:

A) I don't talk to him.
B) I run away.

I guess those are basically the same thing- I never make a move. I'm not sure if it's fear of rejection, or inexperience (I've never had to pursue a guy), or lack of self confidence. Scratch that. It's all three. I convince myself they are too good for me, or if I do have a flash of self-assuredness I chicken out in some other way.

Even though I tell myself I want a boyfriend, I can't seem to move past the years of habit that come with self-sabotage.

the Friday Work Doldrums

2007-10-19T13:35:00.000-06:00

Does anyone use that term anymore? "Doldrums"? Anyway, it's been a crazy week- everyone's on edge and tragedy has struck two members of the office (EDIT: yikes, that sounds more ominous than I intended. I meant that tragedy has struck the FAMILIES' of two of my coworkers). I am so glad for it being Friday, but my brain is full and I am too tired to think of a witty blog entry. Which can mean only one thing, it's quiz time!

What makes you happy?
The first days of fall when you have to wear a sweater or a light jacket because of the crispness of the air; the first days of spring when you start wearing short sleeve shirts without freezing; baseball (not this season); road trips with my friends, even if it’s to the most mundane and boring place- we are never boring; shopping sprees or even just window shopping; etc etc.

What are your favorite stores?
Barnes and Noble, Target, Old Navy- I try not to indulge my shopping fetish lately due to budgetary restrictions, but I would love to check out the local shops in the Loop or somewhere and come up with some non-chain faves.

What's the best cheesy song?
To me “cheesy” immediately brings to mind the 1980s. So is it “Open Arms” or “Like a Virgin”? Nope, for me it will always be Huey Lewis and the News: “Doin’ it all for my Baby”

What's the best apology song?
“Crawling Back to You” by the Backstreet Boys

What's a truly beautiful love song that you'd never roll your eyes at if it was played at a wedding?
My favorite would have to be the song I want to play at my own wedding (should I ever get there), “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Sure, it has connotations of John Cusack holding up a boom box for Ione Sky, but j’adore that movie- and it’s way up there on the Romanticness* scale.

What song are you embarrassed to like?
So many! I guess it is a little strange that I like old 40s crooner songs (but only if they are sung by Bing Crosby- the soundtrack to Mr. Music is fan-tastic!)

What are your favorite songs?
The aforementioned Peter Gabriel tune; Guster “Come Downstairs and Say Hello”; “ Jason Mraz “Bella Luna”; John Lennon “Beautiful Boy”; the Beatles “Revolution”; Backstreet Boys “Hey, Mr. DJ”; Elvis “If I Can Dream” and the entire soundtrack to Spamalot.

What's your favorite song to hear when you're out on the town?
My clubbing days are so far behind me that all I can think of in that genre is “Got a twenty dollar bill, put your hands up”... I am into the new Justin Timberlake though. Gotta love lyrics like “She look like a model, except she got a little more a**”

What song makes you cry?
Guster “Parachute”.

What's your latest happy musical discovery?
I haven’t gotten into a new band in a while, but this past year I bought The Pink Spiders’ new CD which I absolutely love. They’re like a retro 80s rock group. It’s badd ass.

What's your worst habit?
If I pass someone in the hall or on the street, I’ll do the polite make-eye-contact-and-smile thing, but then my instinct is immediately to look away (down). It’s probably a big part of the reason I don’t make a lot of friends.

What's annoying you right now?
I’m restless. It’s Friday and I’d rather be on the road to Kansas City right now than at work for another 3 ½ hours.

Why did your past relationships not work?
Most recently? Because deep down I loathed him and everything he stood for.

If you could have a romance with any fictional character, who would it be?
Count Olmasy from The English Patient. I don’t know what that says about me since Ralph Fiennes played that character as a borderline stalker, in the “if-i-can’t-have-you-no-one-can”-suicide-pact kind of way. But have you seen him in that movie?? Rawrrr.

Which month of the year do you think best suits you?
October. I love everything about the arrival of fall- sweaters, pumpkin flavored everything, hot coffee and tea (instead of iced), foliage, the World Series (not this year)- as long as I forget it means winter is close behind.

Are you attracted to people whose personalities are very similar to your personality or very different?
“attracted” as in romantically? I’d say different. I like people that share interests with me (sports, academia, history, pop culture, etc) but I usually find myself going for guys a bit more stable and realistic than myself. It’s a cliché, I know, but men who are in temperament more like my father- though perhaps more emotionally available.

You've won $100,000 but you have to give it all away. To which charity or institution would you donate it?
I’m not sure specifically but it would be something affiliated with education- perhaps a scholarship program or a charity that donated supplies and such to needy schools.

If you could switch lives with anyone for a day, who would it be?
Someone like Natalie Portman- where I could get a taste of the celebrity life but not be a crazy drug addict.

If you had to pick one book to recommend, what would it be?
Everyone should read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, and put out of your mind any ideas of Hollywood monster movies. It’s a horror story, true, but more abstractly: it is about science vs. religion, and the tragedy of man’s ambition.

Who are you attracted to but you're a little embarrassed to admit up?
Chef Gordon Ramsey.

If you could be on a reality show (from Survivor to Dancing With the Stars to Top Chef), which one would you be on and why?
I want to be on What Not to Wear and have Stacey and Clinton rip apart my wardrobe styles before completely transforming my look. I am addicted to makeover shows.

What TV shows do you watch every week?
Chuck, Dancing with the Stars, The Hills, The Bachelor, America’s Next Top Model, and The Office.

What are your five favorite meals?
Cuban sandwich, my Dad’s grilled hamburgers, Penne a la Vodka, Arroz con pollo, and our Easter tradition: Ham, cheese potatoes and deviled eggs.

What are your five favorite non-blog websites?
Overheard in New York, Television without Pity, The Onion, mlb.com, and (let’s pretend I’m intellectual and a responsible citizen) the BBC News.

What song will you always get up and dance to?
“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”- I actually have the VHS where Fatima teaches you the dance moves to this song (and some Aaliyah jam) so I can always bust out the pop and lock to this bad boy.

*There is no standardized scale for such a measurement

Not trying to imply anything here

2007-10-01T10:04:00.000-06:00

Things I miss about dating:
1. companionship
2. the early stages of reciprocated attraction- when everything is new and exciting
3. kissing

Things I don't miss about dating:
1. uncertainty of knowing if they "like you back"
2. readjusting your schedule to accomodate someone else's needs/schedule
3. my trust issues that often manifest as intensely exhausting jealousy

home is where the scandals are

2007-09-28T09:50:00.000-06:00

I have just learned about a cheating scandal at my old high school that has apparently been a big topic of discussion in my hometown since last June. I am rather surprised that I was not shocked by this story- that I could totally see something like this happening at Hanover.

Backstory: before exams last June, several kids stole a set of keys, cut a screen window to break into the school and stole copies of math and science exams, the answers to which were then distributed to an estimated 50 or 60 students. Police were involved because of the whole breaking and entering thing and now 9 students face criminal trespassing charges.

I don’t really know how much cheating went on when I was in high school. I certainly never cheated (just look at my grades for proof there), but at the same time I can understand the impetus. There was a great deal of pressure, whether because we shared the town with Dartmouth or the majority of parents were well-educated, to go to a good college. It was a status symbol, though maybe not as obvious a one as wealth (which divided the town and school quite a bit). As a public school I am not sure there are many to compare with the academic pressure students felt.

This is certainly not to excuse the students’ behavior last June. The other thing I remember most from Hanover and its high school was a sense of entitlement that no doubt superseded morality in this case. There were a lot of students expecting to be treated as though just their presence was enough of an effort, expecting to be granted concessions for being wealthy, or for being a star athlete- whatever. And there were just as many parents who expected teachers to bend over backwards for their children, to give them the grades without holding them accountable for earning them.

It looks like not much has changed. The parents of the kids under indictment are not concerned that their children broke the law, or showed a lack of morality by cheating, but that a criminal conviction will ruin their chances of getting into a good college.

For me, who grew up in this community, this event is disgusting. But though it’s not a surprise that this happened in Hanover, I also think it’s a bit indicative of where our entire society is moving. No one talks about personal responsibility anymore. The people quoted in the articles I read threw blame everywhere but at the students themselves. Perhaps they did make a mistake, and they regret it (especially now they’ve been caught), but that doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve punishment. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t own up to their mistake (which means accepting the consequences of that mistake as well).

I may come across sounding bitter about the school and the town, but really the only thing that bothers me is that an event like this exposes a certain hypocrisy in the community. Hanover’s response will be to have a symposium on ethics, or an assembly to talk over feelings about the incident. Maybe even a candlelight vigil. Because that is what the town always does. They will pat themselves on the back for being so enlightened and moral, but how many of them, if this scandal involved their own children, would have the same reaction as the parents I saw quoted- those that thought the police should never have been called, that community service be the only consequence?

Despite the community’s good intentions, how much do symposiums and vigils actually make a difference? I really think the only way to send a strong message is to hold the students responsible- to show them, and the rest of the school, that the decision to cheat has consequences. That breaking the law has consequences. (I mean, seriously, how can you argue that they did not break the law?)

2007 Season: DOA

2007-09-15T09:35:00.000-06:00

I said last week that "if they Cardinals don't sweep the Cubs this weekend, then I am done." Well, they lost last night in the first of a four game series. So my hopes for a miraculous comeback after a season of ridiculous hardships is officially dead. That doesn't mean that I will stop watching. Maybe I just want to see what happens. I definitely want to root Albert on for his seventh straight 30HR/100RBI/100Run/.300+BA season. He's close (just needs about 10 more RBI's and Runs. Go ALBERTO!). But I am no longer thinking postseason. In the Cardinals blogosphere there were a couple of other fans' reactions to the nearing end of this season that amused me. So I am sharing.

from vivaelbirdos.com:
"i haven't counted the cards out quite yet, but only because of the zombie factor. there's that moment toward the end of every scare flick where the monster, supposedly dead, suddenly bolts upright or walks out of a ball of flame or whatever and mounts one last attack, puts one last chill down the audience's spine. it's possible the cardinals will stage that scene this weekend. they're back home, where they've excelled; they've got their two best pitchers on the mound; and it's the nl central, where the gravitational pull of .500 overpowers every team. if st louis were to take 3 of 4, it'd be in keeping with the topso-turvo spirit of this season. i'm not predicting anything, mind you; it just wouldn't surprise me. almost nothing this team might do or endure would surprise me anymore."

from Blunts, Bitches, and Baseball:
"Purely as a defense mechanism, I am choosing not to acknowledge the St. Louis Cardinals' 2007 season. It has not happened. It is not happening. As far as I am concerned, we won the World Series in 2006 and then ceased to exist. Next year, we will return. Rolen will be healthy. Carpenter will be healthy. Mulder will be... Christ, hopefully in another town. These are the things I tell myself, to get through the day."

See you in March for Spring Training.

9.11.01- 9.11.07

2007-09-11T10:59:00.000-06:00

This is what I wrote on 9/11 of 2006, and I wonder very much: what has changed since then?

"Never Forget", What?

Ok, I don't post this ( today of all days- though very late in the day) to somehow diminish what I am sure most people mean by that statement, or to ignore the pain felt by us all as we relive the tragic events of that morning.
I post this because all I could think of today, while watching the endless, endless news reports about 9.11 is that: I think we will forget- perhaps are forgetting- what has happened in the world because of some people's interpretation of 9.11's events.

I will remember, first of all, the shock. And the horror. At the loss of life- the devastation- at the incredible act of hatred that drove these men to commit such an act.

I will remember my fear. Not of continued attacks (at least as the day wore on), but of our* response. I worried that in our (righteous) anger we would act hastily- for the wrong reasons, and instead of stopping the possibility of attacks we would simply create new ones.
*And by "our" I do mean Pres. Bush- for I never trusted what his reaction would be- but I say "our" because we let this man lead us- still, 5 years later.

I will remember the unity. The outpouring of love, the reaffirmation of humanity. And not just American to American. We were more than a nation standing together that day. We were the globe.

But I fear in the past five years we have been more often driven by our own hatred- begat by hatred- creating new hatred. I think our choices (as a nation) have not always been wise. To combat this nearly faceless threat we have declared global war- and we are fighting the wrong battles. I believe we have squandered a chance at true unity because of our choice to "go it alone" instead of building on that connectedness. "We are all Americans" said the French then. And now?

Maybe it is just because I have been reading a lot about the Cold War/Vietnam recently, but I am staggered by the similarities. People will argue this fight was brought to us, that we were attacked on 9/11, and that makes this war different. I do not claim history repeats itself. No two events are identical. But the underlying assumptions that drive our attitudes toward the world perhaps do not change as much as we might think.

Was it said about the Cold War/Vietnam or the "War on Terror"?
*The US was "never able to relate its tremendous military power to the fundamental task of establishing a viable government in ---."
*The world is divided into two camps- tyranny and freedom, and the fight is for the survival of civilization.
*Toppling a regime held up by repression led to chaos, factional infighting and civil war.
*Officials believe it is essential to "stay the course"- US cannot quit or it will appear weak.

In 1947, President Truman announced the beginning of a new kind of war, a "cold war," with far reaching consequences: "The free peoples of the world look to us for support in maintaining their freedoms. If we falter in our leadership, we may endanger the peace of the world -- and we shall surely endanger the welfare of our own nation. Great responsibilities have been placed upon us by the swift movement of events."

Is what Bush says today really that different: "The war we fight today is more than a military conflict; it is the decisive ideological struggle of the 21st Century."

I am tired of being told to "strengthen my resolve" when my resolve has never faltered. I was/am disgusted by the innocent loss of life I witnessed on 9.11, but I refuse to only blame the terrorists- I accept that the United States helped create its own problems by the way it has cavalierly disregarded the reality that others have vital interests different from our own. I support(ed) our right to respond- to bring those responsible for 9.11 to justice, but I never believed Iraq was a part of that fight and I never gave my President carte blanche to strike pre-emptively, to curtail individual liberties, or to tell me I am a traitor for exercising my right to question the actions of my elected leaders.

"Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the comprehension of the weak; that it is doing God's service when it is violating all His laws." -John Adams

My Heart says Fall, but my Brain says HolyFuckingShitICan'tBelieveIt'sStillThisHotOut!

2007-09-03T16:40:00.001-06:00

For the record I went to KC to visit my sister for the weekend. Go Me. It was fun times, though I feel badly that my mother spent most of Sunday re-upholstering my sister's dining room chairs. They came out really nice, but it was a lot of work I am sure. As for me I was generally lazy.

There was a short sojourn to a party celebrating the birthday of my niece's dance teacher's brother, and there was the much anticipated trip to Cheeseburger in Paradise for my Cubano Sandwich (I keep forgetting how ridiculous the Legends is getting: first there was nothing out that way at all except for the KS Speedway, now it is the hot destination- restaurants, shopping, etc. Crazy).

There was also some shopping. I wanted to buy a truckload of sweaters in anticipation of autumn, but the mercury's on the rise again this week and I just don't know when "fall" really begins around here. I opted for a new pair of pants and a few new shirts for work (how many of those I will actually keep I just don't know), and my sister sneakily bought me this a-dorable trench coat I was drooling over at Target but didn't want to buy because I didn't really need a $40 coat. But it is hanging in my closet anyway. I appreciated the gift, OF COURSE, but I can't believe she went behind my back and bought it for me.

In all it was just a relaxing weekend visiting family: listening to Olivia's crazy antics, and chasing Isaac back and forth and all over.

Then I came home to the vestiges of the Japanese Festival in my neighborhood and the Cardinals being absolutely STOMPED ON by the frigging Pittsburgh Pirates. That's not the best way to stay in the pennant race, boys. Oye.

Tomorrow is back to work and the return of my boss and the drama I may have unwittingly started last week and the hectic preparations for our renovation project.

Should I be Offended, or Just Grateful that she Knows Anything about History?

2007-08-31T10:48:00.001-06:00

Hamilton Was Cute, but I Hear Lincoln Had a Giant Cock

White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he's such a dreamboat... That's why he's my favorite federalist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and... And... And I can't remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin' over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos... And that's why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: That other girl

via Overheard in New York, Aug 31, 2007

Election '08

2007-08-29T09:21:00.000-06:00

The more I read about this guy, the more impressed I am by him.

I know the election is still a long way off (even the primaries aren't for months), and I hear the "inexperienced" line, but I am still very impressed.

These are Things I Spend my Time Thinking About

2007-08-28T10:23:00.000-06:00

I am faced with the necessity of deciding what to do this weekend. It shouldn't really be this difficult. It is only three days!

Option A:I can stay home, probably be bored most of the time and watch tv or write or read. Maybe go to the gym a couple of times. There is the Japanese Festival at the Botanical Garden, but I don't think I am really interested enough to fight the crowds.

Option B: I can go visit Debbi in KC. This would be the most like a vacation, because it is the farthest away I can go without having expenses like "hotel" thrown in there. I might even be able to car pool since my mother mentioned they might go over that way too. I have also been fantasizing about the Cuban sandwich at Cheeseburger in Paradise. Yum.

Option C: I can go to Jeff City and stay with my Dad. It's "getting away" without having to drive 4-5 hours (on I-70. Uck), but there is little to nothing to do in that thriving metropolis.

If I go away I have to worry about leaving my cat, who doesn't really eat when I am not there because she is afraid I won't come back and she will run out of food. I have left her for one night at a time before, and maybe I should increase that to two. She should be okay for that long alone, right? With plenty of food and water. And a radio on. It really shouldn't affect my decision, but I can't help worrying about her.

Now this has become a rambling of my inner thought decision process. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Redemption!

2007-08-09T12:35:00.000-06:00

Welcome back, Rick Ankiel!!

This makes me inordinately happy. You can't help but root for a guy like this, that fell apart because too much was expected of him too soon but has persevered and fought his way back. Go Rick! Cardinal Nation is definitely rooting for you!! :)

It's Damn Hot, Like Africa Hot!

2007-08-08T13:48:00.000-06:00

AN EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 7 PM CDT FRIDAY.

THREE MORE DAYS OF HOT AND HUMID WEATHER IS FORECAST FOR THE ST. LOUIS METRO AREA. THE PERSISTENT STRESS OF THESE HOT AND HUMID CONDITIONS WILL MAKE HEAT-RELATED ILLNESSES A VERY REAL AND DANGEROUS THREAT... ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE LIVING IN UN-AIR CONDITIONED HOMES OR APARTMENTS.

THE DANGER OF HEAT RELATED ILLNESSES WILL INCREASE AS THIS HEAT WAVE PERSISTS...WHICH MEANS THE GREATEST THREAT TO HEALTH MAY OCCUR OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS. THEREFORE...PEOPLE SHOULD CONTINUE TO MAKE FREQUENT CHECKS ON FRIENDS... NEIGHBORS...AND RELATIVES THAT LIVE IN UN-AIR CONDITIONED HOMES OR APARTMENTS.

AND...THE HEAT ISLAND EFFECT WILL MAKE CONDITIONS PARTICULARLY OPPRESSIVE IN AND NEAR DOWNTOWN ST. LOUIS. THEREFORE... RESIDENTS OF THE CITY OF ST. LOUIS SHOULD BE PARTICULARLY CAUTIOUS AS THE HEAT WAVE CONTINUES.

IF YOU HAVE AIR CONDITIONING...USE IT! HEAT RELATED DEATHS OCCUR EACH SUMMER IN HOMES OR APARTMENTS WITH AIR CONDITIONING...SIMPLY BECAUSE THE OCCUPANTS FELT THAT THEY COULD NOT AFFORD THE EXTRA EXPENSE OF RUNNING THE AIR CONDITIONER. DO NOT BECOME A STATISTIC! LOCAL AGENCIES AND MANY UTILITIES HAVE FUNDS AVAILABLE TO HELP OFFSET THE COST OF THIS LIFE SAVING NEED!

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AIR CONDITIONING... KEEP YOUR HOUSE OR APARTMENT WELL VENTILATED WITH FANS...AND TRY TO SPEND SOME TIME IN AN AIR CONDITIONED ENVIRONMENT TO GIVE YOUR BODY A BREAK FROM THE HEAT. MANY TOWNS AND CITIES IN AND AROUND THE METRO AREA... INCLUDING THE CITY OF ST. LOUIS...HAVE NOW ESTABLISHED COOLING CENTERS WHERE YOU CAN GO TO GET SOME RELIEF FROM THE HEAT.

FOR INFORMATION ABOUT AREA COOLING CENTERS CONTACT OPERATION WEATHER SURVIVAL AT THE UNITED WAY OF GREATER ST. LOUIS AT... 1-800-427-4626.

AN EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN HIGH TEMPERATURE AND HUMIDITY LEVELS ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS 105 DEGREES OR GREATER FOR THREE OR MORE CONSECUTIVE DAYS. IN ADDITION...NIGHTTIME CONDITIONS WILL REMAIN WARM AND MUGGY PROVIDING LITTLE RELIEF.

Survey-fied

2007-08-01T12:44:00.001-06:00

I have been survey-mad for the past couple of days. I suppose it is because they require little actual effort in the creation of a blog post. Oh well.

1.What bill do you hate paying the most?
Does anyone like paying bills? God, it’s the worst. My least favorite used to be my credit card, but I am lucky to have had that paid off. I guess my rent? It’s the most money, and it kind of makes it hard to get the rest of my budget together because that’s like half my paycheck gone in one day.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Ok, that’s just depressing. I can’t even remember the last time I had a date.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
No, I don’t think so. Yeah, it wasn’t the best relationship (because he cheated on me), but really Nick treated me well when we were together. And I was old enough to not look back and think “I was too young” or something.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I probably wouldn’t have told The Lie, even though he deserved it.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Oye, I can’t remember her name. She was a little old lady with white curly hair, that’s all I remember.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I’d actually rather be cleaning my house. Not because it’s so much fun, but because I have to do it and it would be a better use of my time than being where I am now.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A teacher, a writer or an actor.

8. What was the longest road trip you've ever been on?
NH to KC.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
Because I wear the same 5 shirts to work every week, and this one goes with the pants I am wearing.

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
I think more should be done about alternative fuels and more energy efficient transportation. Then we wouldn’t have these worries- because it’s not so much the price that bothers me, but the pollution.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would it be?
I would move to NYC and take my best friend Carrie. OMG would we have so much fun living there!

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
I was half-awake, but the alarm made me sit bolt upright because I didn’t realize it was that time already.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Damn Mets bullpen for blowing Tommy’s win!

14. Favorite style of underwear?
bikini.

15. How do you prefer to pay for the big purchases in life (hotel rooms, car rentals, etc.)?
I would prefer to pay them from a giant pile of gold I keep in my basement…

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
dishes. I would rather clean bathrooms than stick my hands in a pool of soapy water with food particles floating around in it. *gags*

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
I think so. I’d rather have free time to write if I didn’t have to work.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in. Fuck mornings.

19. Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Danger Mouse! (Shocker). Dude, favorite cartoon of my childhood- and so began my Anglophilia.

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
winkwinknudgenudge.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I’ve been in love, but not the kind I am ultimately looking for (longlasting romantic love).

22. When did you first start feeling old?
On my 26th birthday.

23. Favorite 80's movie?
Must I choose? Ferris Bueller is probably high on that list.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Ham, though I prefer tuna sandwiches.

25. What do you get every time you go into Sam's Club?
Last time I was in a Sam’s I bought a box of those liquor filled chocolates as a Christmas gift.

26. Beach or lake?
Lake. The beach can be pretty, but I have a bit of a fear of the ocean.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No, but I think it depends on the couple whether it’s important.

28. Do you own property?
HAHA, no.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Reality television, cheesy romantic movies/books, the Disney Channel.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I’m not really ashamed of any of my fave movies. I like movies for many different reasons.

31. What's your drink?
Grey Goose and sour

32. Cowboys or Indians?
the Chinese Railroad Worker!

33. Cops or Robbers?
Bandits.

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Idk. I think it would mostly be awkward to see people from high school. I don’t even remember the person I used to be then.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Probably 101.1 Movin. They’re the only station that plays music in the morning.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Cliff!

37. 'The Cosby Show' or 'The Simpsons'?
Neither.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
John. The whole relationship.

39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Most days.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Ed Norton or Dan Radcliffe. Rawr.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
I like being outdoors, though I don’t make the effort to spend time out there as much as I should.

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Not the one I am currently driving.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No. Which is probably bad. Don’t look to me in case of emergency.

44. Last book you read for real?
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I still have one of my teddy bear’s from when I was little. And I have a collection of Panda teddy bears.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I’m not really the adventurous tooth brusher.

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Anywhere, I’ve never been to CA. My first choice would probably be San Fran.

48. Do you go to church?
No. I work for one though, so that should count for something.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
As much as I want a relationship, I’d take a career change first.

50. Just how OLD are you?
30. And working on being proud of it!

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow

2007-07-17T18:12:00.000-06:00

I never thought I would want a career in academia until I tried one that wasn't.

That is the basis for my current life PLAN. I want to go back to school. Not because I don't know what I want to do (like was the case before), but because I DO know what I want. Fairly certain, anyway. As certain as I (given my personality) can be. I talked myself out of wanting to be a teacher before because of the horror stories I'd heard, and the fear of being the authority (figure and on the subject).

But I can't always live my life afraid to take chances.

So, I will probably end up applying to a few PhD History programs (3-4), even if it doesn't work out that I can financially handle it at this time. Nothing will ever happen if I don't make it happen for myself, and the fact that I hate my job a little more each day than the day before is a powerful motivator.

I will need to narrow down my list of the following programs I am investigating:
*George Washington University, DC
*Washington University, St. Louis
*Columbia University, New York City
*NYU, NYC
*Boston College, Boston
*St. Louis University, St. Louis
*UNH, Durham (safety school)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." –Marianne Williamson

Feed Me, Seymour!

2007-06-15T14:48:00.001-06:00

Payday! Friday! Summer Day! Dentist tomorrow!

Wait. While most people would be dreading the dental chair, I actually enjoy going to the dentist. Granted, it's not the most enjoyable experience in the moment, but after? When your teeth feel so clean? It's great. In fact, I worry about NOT going to the dentist enough. One year (during the Great Insurance Drought), I actually put on my Christmas list a trip to the dentist for a teeth cleaning.

I never promised I was normal.

If A=B and B=C, then God hates me

2007-06-04T14:43:00.002-06:00

Today is interminable. I have planned to go to the gym after work, but all the elements of the universe are conspiring to thwart my intention- to test my resolve: I have a headache, cramps, and a sore muscle on my leg from an earlier workout. Plus, it is indescribably gorgeous outside.

God wants me to be fat and lazy. That is the only logical explanation.

Meat Me At the Gym

2007-06-01T10:33:00.001-06:00

I joined a gym yesterday. I should be happy that I am trying to be more conscientious about my health, but I am seriously nervous. I have never belonged to nor attended a gym before, unless you count that one time I rode the exercise bike at the UNH gym for an hour and could barely walk back to my dorm after.

But Club Fitness was having a fairly good deal in terms of their sign-up. $20 to enroll, $20 a month without a contract. (Of course they never tell you until you are signing the dotted line about the extra $20 "processing fee" and the annual $10 "maintenance fee"). But I felt that despite the tightness of my budget, I should take a chance and see if it helps/works.

So, I have taken the first step. Will that prove to be the hardest/largest step? Or will walking through the door of that gym be the kicker? Tonight I have scheduled my complimentary personal training session, which will be helpful I think since I basically have no idea what the hell I am doing.

I didn't get the impression that this particular gym is for the pretty people only. That feeling that only jacked-up guys and super fit girls are welcome. So hopefully my impression was correct. It does nothing for the self esteem to be judged in that kind of environment. Oye, this is stressful.

Let's take a detour for a moment, shall we?

2007-05-22T17:36:00.001-06:00

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility.

Existentialist

75%

Cultural Creative

69%

Modernist

69%

Materialist

56%

Postmodernist

44%

Romanticist

38%

Idealist

38%

Fundamentalist

What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com

NNoooooo!

2007-04-26T09:54:00.000-06:00

I gained!! Argh!

I was cocky. I thought that I could continue to push the rules of the program, because I had cheated before and not seen any consequences.

Foolish Hubris.

I hope that I can at least take a lesson from this disaster. It may not always be a smooth path, but even if you fall into a ditch you can pull it out in the end. (mixed metaphors, much?)

I must regain my discipline!!

Crush Me

2007-03-13T12:22:00.000-06:00

This morning I had a work related meeting, which was fun because I got to see all the folks from my old job- including The Crush. I had kind of hoped I'd be over him, it being five weeks or so since I had seen him, but no. Sparks. At least on my side. God, he's so cute. I know, I am twelve.

Then I proceeded to go right off my ~~diet~~food plan, as some friends and I stopped for lunch on the way out of the meeting. I didn't choose the place, since I would have tried to pass on Fat Toney's Bar-B-Que, but I did my best. I had planned to order a salad but they were "out of salad" (Wtf is that?), so I got a BBQ Pork Sandwich and only ate half the bread while scraping off as much sauce as I could. Hopefully I didn't totally blow my wad on lunch, but only time will tell.

"Someone's got a case of the Mondays"

2007-03-12T07:30:00.000-06:00

It's Monday morning, which is hard enough. Throw in the forecast of 72* and Sunny, and every minute spent in my beige cubicle staring at this computer screen becomes an eon in hell.

I had the laziest weekend for the second week in a row. Oh sloth, how I love thee.

Saturday was errand day, including getting a haircut (or a bangs-butchering, I'd like to call it. Hint to hairdresser: DON'T just keep cutting the bangs if you can't quite get it right).

The weirdest part of the day was being approached by a woman outside Blockbuster who was looking for "bus fare" to get her and her three kids away from her abusive husband. I declined at offering the ride to the shelter she was fishing for but did give her a couple bucks. I figured if she was lying there must be a special place in hell for people who lie about abusive husbands, and if she was telling the truth, that place was for people who didn't try to help. Oh well, I guess I'll never know for sure.

Retail High

2007-03-09T19:17:00.000-06:00

Now that the season is starting to change, the shopping bug has hit. There is nothing more exhilarating than the feeling of trying on a new shirt or pair of shoes that will usher in the warming temperatures. Especially when you look damn good in it.

That's really my motivation to make a change. I love to shop, and I am so tired of the feeling that nothing looks good. Well, shoes look good. Shoes always fit. But I want to feel sexy in clothes, instead of like I am just trying to hide as many flaws as I can. I want to be able to shop in more than three stores.